realistic negotiations

Realistic Negotiation & Possible Places to Call Stop/Red

Maybe we need to review some things, because even experienced players are getting caught up in CVs and that isn’t cool.
NB – This POV is in terms of prevention of misunderstanding, not an afterwards assessment of what someone might or might not have done right or wrong.

So at the beginning…

  • Someone being attracted to you is not a bad thing. You aren’t responsible for their feelings. and you have no control over them.
  • Someone having fantasies about you is also not yours to control.
  • Someone complimenting generally about what they like about you is also not a bad thing.

Egs of appropriate compliments for a non-sexual relationship might be:
(I’m open to correction, but this is my comfort zone) Rule of thumb is if you won’t say it to your famly member, don’t say it to a non-lover.

You look lovely tonight. Did you do something different with your hair? Is that a new outfit? What lovely shoes! You’re beaming! It’s good to see you looking happy and in good health. I hope that’s the case. That’s a good colour on you. Your hairdo really compliments your eyes/face shape

egs appropriate compliments for a sexual relationship
(again my comfort zone)

Your clothes are hot tonight. They suit your body really well. That colour lipstick is so sexy. You know I love it when you leave your hair loose so I can grab you with it. You look fit today. Have you been working out? Dieting? You look amazing.

humiliation words like:

bitch get over here and drop to your knees. I wanna fuck you/choke you till you pass out, whose my toy, what a cunt you are!

See the difference?

. . . .

  • flirting is a cool opener to an adult relationship. I’m a flirt for eg. But when I flirt, we both know what our relationship expectations are. It could just be playing, or it could be a preclude to sex. Just be clear.
  • Someone saying they’d be open to a sexual relationship with you, if you are up for it is also not a bad thing. If it’s in civil language.

ie I’d like to explore an intimate relationship with you. I’d like to be your lover. Are you open to that? Can we discuss our expectations of what that would mean for us?

I’d like to explore a D/s, M/s relationship with you. I’d like to be under consideration as your …………..

(IMO whether or not you have sex, this is a sexual or min intimate dynamic.)

. . . .

this is a stop/red point. If only one person is interested in a sexual contact, or relationship, or heading in that direction, walk away. Do not engage further in situations where you are in a sexually hot zone. Or in a play situation where you cannot walk out freely at anytime. Be fair to them. Might want to be clothed when they’re around. You could even insist on chaperones. Who you trust, who will step in if any sexual advances are made. . Do not agree to be bound by a person who has expressed sexual iinterest in you, if you’re not into them. Don’t get high when you’re alone with them.
(again, my comfort zone)

. . . .

You don’t have to be so specific there is no spontaneity in your relationship. You don’t even have to have an ongoing conversation.
But you can and should specify what activity you are willing to engage with them in. BEFORE you initiate the intimacy. There are types of sexual acts (kissing, petting, oral, genital, anal) that are very different and nothing to do with each other. They have their own stopping points. And consent for one doesn’t imply consent for another. IMO
Other than a kiss on the cheek or a hug from the side and holding a hand, affection can be an integrative area. Affection by itself doesn’t imply consent to sexual acts. You need to have that chat first.

. . . .

Another stop/red point
If you aren’t able to say the words so they can understand you, you probably shouldn’t be having sex with them.

. . . .

A second stop/red point here
Their arousal doesn’t imply any obligation to you. If you aren’t interested or willing to follow thru, then stop. Be nice, but firm. And on the other side, don’t whine! Seriously!

. . . .

Having given consent, you are able to withdraw it at any and all points.
For whatever reason too. It’s not the greatest feeling in the world to be hot and going for bear when your partner withdraws, but take it like an adult and stop. You might get another chance if you respect their boundaries. If you show genuine concern for them. Pretty sure you won’t get another chance if you don’t though.
Reasons why someone might want to stop:

Feeling unwell; the activity hurting you in a way that distracts rather than enhances the sensuality of the sex; something is interupting you; your attention is scattered; a memory of abuse has interfered with your enjoyment of this partner. And frankly, you realized you’re not grooving the way you should be is legit as well. Sorry, but closing your eyes and thinking of home aint sex these days.

. . . .

Talk about what language means check in with me, or a full do not continue. If you cannot communcate, you probably shouldn’t be having sex. Or engagng in any adult play. IMO def should not be!
egs of things to say that tell your partner you aren’t into that particular touch or they should check in now!!:

ouch! Ugh not a fan of that. Could we try this instead? That hurts, gawd that’s embarrassing! Could we do something else?

. . . .

and RED! Still talking? That’s a good sign.
But before you engage, go away and think about why YOU want this. Why with this person. Take a cold shower! Yes I mean it!

  • are you hot for them or are you people pleasing?
  • would you both win if you kept going? I mean cuzz it’s not just about you!

Think about if the two of you are coming from the same place. If you aren’t then WALK AWAY!!!

. . . .

and lastly. You are adults… are you willing to live with and deal with the consequences of engaging with them?

  • have you asked if they have been tested?
  • have you asked aobut birth control? Or shared parenting? Or abortion policies? Or have you agreed peter aint getting near vagay?

. . . .

1rst events do not mean 2nd events which do not mean 3rd events etc.Your larger consents are in play, usually, but specific consent is still required. BY LAW!! (at least here in Canada)

. . . .

There! I can’t think of anything else… can you?

So there should be no more CVs, right?

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