#spouse #cohabitant #family #date #play date
There is one tip that will see you safe(r) among them all.
Whether you call it a play date, pickup play or whatever, most people give you the advice to be careful going into the relationship. But spousal or relationships would get the opposite advice, be most careful as you exit.
There is no real way to protect yourself, except to be aware of who is around you and how they are feeling. But how do you do that, if you’re not psychic?
Much as they may trust you, most people don’t let you into their inner life, their mind, their emotions. Esp if their emotions are that disturbed. They tend to get really, really good at hiding them from you.
So trust is an illusion. Because it’s more likely your partner of 30 years will kill you, than the date you want to see tonight. Or the parent or sibling you have known all your life.
But some do tell you their inner life. And when they do, most experts would ignore them if they went for help. If they’re expressing the emotion, or the fantasy, experts will usually say they’re amenable to therapy and therefore not as great a risk to you or others. They will also say that expressing the fantasy is often cathartic, not an actual threat.
But how much sense does that make, when you realize that extremely few to no murders are truly impulsive? They thought about it before they did it, they wrote about it, sang about it, role played violence…. They expressed an interest in violence resulting in death. Somehow, some way.
Unless they at that second picked up whatever was handy and went thwack.
And even then they were used to feeling the motivational aims of violence and murder. The rage, the jealousy, the lust for blood….the association of emotion and violence, and emotional resolution by violence, rape and/or death. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? If experts don’t know or agree…
Having been in a DV relationship, I’m going to flout the experts on this catharsis view. If someone tells you they want to kill you, believe them and run. Run far, run fast!! Because people do. die. every. single. year from partners who are supposed to love and care for them. As for me, I ran. It’s the only reason I’m alive today.
They also are killed every single year by family members. And how do you avoid or escape that? Family is often something you are born into and die in. Violence, addictions and incest are often inter-generational dynamic defects. What you learn is often what you yourself live. To some degree. Which makes you query a Biblical/divine curse.
New International Version: Exodus: 34:7
maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation.”
or the role of genetics.
It’s not 100%, but it is a very common issue. One you should know about your partner before you engage in the relationship. What work have they done to overcome their rage/shame/pain about their upbringing? What healthy models have they participated in?
Are they sober? When was the last time they had a drink or some drug that affects their perception and/or mood regulation?
At the risk of blaming the victim, where do you mention caution and responsibility, esp knowing that how you process emotions and addictions is often predetermined by your genes? Mostly completed before you are 7 years of age. Whether bonding or social learning is the issue.
And that this pre-set condition leads you into a lifetime of meeting the same type of souls. Who if you have been victimized, will victimize you again? Offenders aren’t the only ones who have recurrent behaviours to consider. So is everyone who has been reared in these dynamic struggles.
Victims are often revictimized . And how do you deal with that? By seeing a therapist when you feel most like isolating and protecting yourself? By educating yourself when you can hardly think straight and your stress level is thru the roof? By confiding in someone when your inclination is to trust no one? That is asking a LOT. But that would more likely protect you from further abuse.
Stranger danger is a farce and trust is an illusion then.
So how do you protect yourself? Investigate someone? People are pretty tech savvy these days. They know that if you put it out there, it can be found. Plus, the sure thing is most people think that that person may be violent, but they won’t do it with me. For some idiotic reason, they cannot grasp that yes it can and will occur. IF they are that person’s type, IF they have the needed dynamic.
But can you go thru life isolating yourself? When your natural inclinations are to bond and to obey your instincts and primal needs? No, most people cannot.
So you have to engage in some form of risk mitigation. Right? Just presume that the person is a feral animal. If it is in a cage, don’t put your hand between it and it’s food or water. Or you will get bitten. If the animal wants to kill, and thinks it can get away with it, it will kill. You can only trust this beast as much as it has a sturdy chain and very strong harnass. It has to believe it will get caught! That you are not taking away it’s food or water.
The most effective chain is the thought of social censure/social death.
Bottomline, most experts will say that anyone would and could kill if they had the right motive, if they thought they could get away with it.
So you need to choose… what activity or relationship is worth your life? Because that is truly the choice you are making.
If you give someone ultimate power over you, they will abuse it. If you give them limits, they will test them to be sure they stand. That you mean what you say. That you keep secrets.
So unless you plan on only seeing this partner in public places, then maybe the best safety measure for kinksters and vanillas is to have a buddy. Someone that knows you are seeing this person, when and where and under what terms. And make sure your date/partner knows you’re not a very secretive person. Then they understand that they are more likely to get caught.
Because the advantage for DV cases is that the cops know where to look first. The spouse, the family. That is a hard and fast rule. So make sure you have someone who knows your habits and has a copy of your updated contacts. Or at least where to access them.
So if something happens to you, they can tell the cops where you were and who with.
Maybe that is the best weapon. I think AA/NA has it right about secrets being dangerous. In this case, we keep finding out that someone died because nobody knew what they were up to or going thru. Is this secret way to get your nut off worth your life? Most rational people would say no. So tell someone. One person. It may save your life.
And then you can play vanilla or edge play, knowing that at least if you die from a bad relationship choice, someone will know who to blame. I mean it works for hookers, right?
So that one tip that makes you safe(r) that I mentioned at the top of this piece?
….. the theory
According to Forensic psychiatrist Dr. Park Dietz:
There are four common motives behind intimate-partner killings, applicable whether they are gay or straight, married or common-law, or partners who cohabitate
The first—and most common—motive Dietz sees is anger, expressed in a pattern of escalating rage, abuse and violence.
The next-most-common motive: fear of abandonment and loss.
A third commonly seen motive, he says, is sexual jealousy. This includes everything from becoming upset that she flirted with someone to knowledge of an actual affair.
A fourth reason a male partner kills his wife is that he’s suicidal. The killer may or may not then take his own life. Some of them chicken out at that point
According to Professor David Wilson:
Self-righteous killers hold the mother responsible for the breakdown of the family and will often call her before to explain what he is about to do. > Disappointed killers believe their family has let them down, and the killing could be sparked by something like children not choosing to follow religious customs.
Anomic killers see the family as a symbol of their own economic success, but if they suffer some kind of economic failure — bankruptcy, for example — the family no longer serves this function.
Paranoid killers are often motivated by a desire to protect their family from a perceived threat, such as having children taken away by social services.
Honour killing by family and/or community members who are attempting to control either fertility or sexuality of women. There is a debate as to which.
Dept of Justice Canada
Researchers have found that one fourth to one half of men who commit acts of domestic violence also have substance abuse problems (Gondolf, 1995; Leonard and Jacob, 1987; Kantor and Straus, 1987; Coleman and Straus, 1983; Hamilton and Collins, 1981; Pernanen, 1976) and that a sizable percentage of convicted batterers were raised by parents who abused drugs or alcohol (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 1994). Studies also show that women who abuse alcohol and other drugs are more likely to be victims of domestic violence (Miller et al., 1989).