The topic of what bdsm is is making the rounds again and we’re discussing what it is to us… (as many things as it is people). But don’t you think there might be some commonalities? And the POVs are within them?
the D is in charge
Yes you do negotiate, and yes you do have to agree to do what gets done. The contract may be verbal, but trust me it is still a commitment to each other. (and sorry not sorry some of you domly male doms need to hear that we ladies are also in the driver’s seat now! Maybe not in your home, but surely and for certain in ours!)
But just like dancing, it kinda sorta has to be a bit specific unless you want to end up doing something you hate, right?
Or unless you’re willing to learn together?
For eg: I’m using the dancing metaphor because I love to dance. I’m actually pretty damn good ( in some ways better when younger and more agile, in other ways better now in experience and staying current with trend, just like D/s) but not a pro at it. Modern dance; not classical, folk or ballet. I shuck and jive, I twist and turn, I get dipped and swing. Stuff like that. And I’ve been dirty dancing longer than Patrick Swazye was filmed doing it. I got kicked out of a club once…But that is a story for another day (Maybe?)
If a sub came to me and asked me to dance, I’d say sure and go full hog. If they meant ballet, I’d be standing there, not even able to do a Plié. He’d (yes there are male subs!) be looking at me like i’m a dufus instead of appreciating my jive! We’d both be unsatisfied, wouldn’t we? He might go around saying that I don’t know shit. I might say he’s a do-me sub (or unclear or a flake) and get full domme support. Maybe even some doms would hop on the rant. He might get some other subs’ and slaves’ support. It’d be a thing! Depending how noticed we are on the site, it might become a bandwagon and burning of witches might ensue. (Not that I’m noticed to that degree lol)
it’s not just subs and slaves who serve
If we are in a relationship that is based on D/s, we both have our areas of things we must be and do for the other. If we don’t do them, then the relationship fails.
Which is where the negotiation comes in. You have to know where the other person is at to be able to meet their needs minimum.
for eg. if you walk into a store, do you go up to the counter and ask for something they don’t sell? Do you insist on coverage they don’t offer? Do you make a fuss if they don’t run and get what you want and call them names for not doing so? (Most people don’t j.s)
The first person I serve is myself. I go and get educated in the things that interest me.
Then I find a sub to do them with who thinks that is a cool common goal or sexy thing to do and we work on it together.
I make sure we are as safe as we can be and look out for their interests as well as mine. Isn’t that service to them?
Esp as I become more and more of an expert, or (if I were) a pro, a Master or a teacher/presentor/mentor at the task/fun thing.
Then my time is at a premium. But I still need to keep up my skills or I may loose reputation points from my colleagues and future subs.
There comes a point where I become a commodity. And that can take over who you are as a person, if you let it. Then you get almost an assembly line factor of subs wanting you, just you. (Ugh!) Trust me, at that point, it’s not the sub serving, is it?
And that is the place where pros begin. Where they choose what they want to offer, but the assembly line comes for them and often tries to push for more than they’re willing to give out, even for money or trade of some kind.And sometimes refusing can get someone to try to take it by force. Then it’s def not them serving, is it?
But that is the real world, isn’t it? So saying only subs and slaves serve is diminishing our experience. (Yes dom/mes can get used, abused and raped!)
topping from the bottom is a thing
But it isn’t called negotiation prior to doing something together, And it’s also not standing up for your safety and your rights. Nor is it reaching out for help if you feel unsafe. It’s not even saying if you feel you need to stop now. Esp if you have medical issues!!
Doing those things doesn’t make you less sub or slave-like. What they make you is a reliable sub or slave IMO. I mean why would i want someone in my charge who doesn’t know what they want, is weak willed, and may have a death wish? (not sure whether to run or shudder here). That tends to be more the predator’s wish than the wish of a dominant or master/mistress. j/s
I’m not sure how to use an analogy for this aspect, at the macro level anyway.
But for the micro try this:
So we agree that you like oral sex and I’m ok giving it, so we start. If it’s the first time or two, I might even take a few directions in what specifically you like while I’m doing it. But usually it’s better to do that before or after. If every single time, we do something, the sub gives me directions, it’s sounding like I’ve lost my dominant role.
Which might be ok if you’ve agreed that they are teaching you something, or you have said you want to understand their role better and cede control for the session. But if it’s a constant thing, then IMO it’s topping from the bottom. So micromanaging is topping from the bottom unless the dominant has ceded control for the session.
Is being a brat or a princess dominating in the relationship?
I think that is mostly a degree issue…but in theory it certainly can be, Even in a funishment dynamic.
Because you may not be asking for control, but you are being manipulative. Which isn’t always a bad thing. But conversations need to be had about the limits and occasions when this pushing is tolerable. If at all.
is bdsm fun or a study/work experience to be taken seriously?
I guess that depends what you want out of it…
But think about how many games you play that you have spent hours practicing at. Does that mean it’s less fun when you win? Does it mean that you no longer enjoy the companionship and challenge of the game? Can you not become a master at chess, or tennis for eg?
Why does it have to be either/or?
does bdsm have to be done in public to be “real”?
If you bring it into a relationship, a sexual dynamic, then it’s pretty intimate to share. Isn’t it?
And from what i hear, there are a lot of dungeons, munches and play parties that don’t allow sexual acts. So if sex comes with the kink for you, then half your experience is gone, isn’t it?
But a lot of people do separate the two aspects. Just like they separate the study and the spirituality of sex and kink (ie sex magicks).
So if it were a game of tennis, and someone said you can’t use a racket and birdie for your game, would you still think it’s tennis?
Anyways that is my thinky thoughts re: the current discussions I’ve seen. What do you think?