It’s like having a battle inside our heads. The hive mind society is meant to be, due to the laws of the govt and the rites of religion, face down against the parts we have inside. What is right? What is wrong?
Our emotions and our intelligence war. Our hopes and our worries war. Our dreams and our reality war.
Then we have to deal with the people around us. What do we want? What can we get away with?
And all there is is a mess. Like a bunch of snakes popping up. Like a bunch of discordant voices trying to be a choir. Like hydras. There is noise in your head, making decisions harder and harder to make.
It’s no wonder then that most people have a hard time making decisions.
And we’re not done yet…
We are further divided by where our locus of control is. Are we a people pleaser? Or are we independent of thought? And even within that, we still have variations. Is there something we want more than our way on this decision? Do we make a trade, a deal for another thing we want more? Are we invested in this decision? And by how much? Why do we want to please them? What do we get from pleasing them? When you’re talking about sex, or kink play, the attraction muddies the waters even more.
And what about empathy?
Is there some reason why we want to do something for the other person, besides pleasing them? Do we think they need a break? Do we feel sorry for them for some reason?
Some people get to the point where decisions paralyze them. They have to ask for input from friends and family before they can go forward. Some people deliberately pick partners who are opinionated and controlling, just so they can release control of their lives.
How is this relevant in bdsm?
I think it’s a consent issue. Can your potential partner say no to you? How easily are they swayed if they have made a decision?
It all comes down to how fragile is the other person? How many times have they been bullied and bruised till they lose the ability to say no? We all have been to some degree, of course. But some more than others. And if that is who is facing you as a potential partner, how do you deal with them?
Or can you? Is it fair to ask someone who finds decisions hard to make to make complex ones that society sees as illegal and/or immoral? Esp if it’s new for them? Make no mistake, that is what you’re asking.
On top of that, you still have to work thru the power issues that things like age, status and gender place on you. Whether it’s fair or not, it’s a fact. And if you discount it, you place yourself under their undue influence. Or them under yours.
It cuts thru a lot of these factors to have someone who is similar to you (a peer) as your potential play partner. Then at least you aren’t taking undue advantage.
So you actually have to be able to “read” someone and decide if they are who you should be with. How much time have you given to that decision? And are you both sober enough to make it?
Are you being oppressed? Are you being coerced? Can you make a clear and ndependent decision? And can you stand behind it?