Q – what have you been taught about emotions?


If someone told you that fear is the only true emotion you have and everything else is a degree or an absence of fear, would you believe that person?

If they told you that anger is a symptom, rather than an emotion, would you have to review all your life to see what you were actually feeling underneath that anger?

If you thought about life skills as attached to communicating and dissipating your fear response, would you know where to begin?

If you framed your fear to need x want, and bonds of kin and kith and fear of their loss, how would you balance your fear with your needs? If you could even determine if it was a need.

So have I got you thinking? Or do you figure it’s all a bog and you’re gonna shake your head and walk away from this stinking nonsense? Continue as you have been?

Cuzz like you’ve got it all down, right?

PSA for ladies(ish?) – Shopping basics – hats, masks and shoes


PSA for ladies(ish?) – Shopping basics – hats, masks and shoes


Get something simple, and decorate it to suit your sense of fashion, fun and need.

You can get jewelry, paint, bits of glass or feathers, glitter and glue… and make something you’d otherwise think is boring a lot of fun. Give it flair. Just keep in mind, you don’t want to look like a clown at the office, or like a dud at your party. Here are cool basics you can remake. Add character to.
If you’re smart about it, you can save a fortune!

PSA – The Fetid Air We breathe

PSA – The Fetid Air We breathe

Before the days of perfumes made of chemicals and all sorts of allergens, the people used to bathe in rivers and lakes. And mask their body odours with distilled plants mostly.

Some of us still do. Have you heard of essential oils? They are something I keep in my cupboard for everything most people cover with perfumed products.

And in most cases, just washing something with water can reduce the chemicals and odours. Even the bacteria. Esp your skin and hair. Even your floors if you use a steam cleaner instead of standard washing techniques. I love mine!

Most health care agencies know enough about the harm stinking pretty can do to some sensitive souls, including me. I also have two nephews with asthma. Who spent a lot of their baby days hospitalized. Some of that because people cannot grasp that stinking pretty actually can kill.

It’s really disheartening when I have to explain to someone that it isn’t the odour they wear that causes my nose to be upset. I probably would quite like it.

Except it makes me anything from dizzy, nauseous, headachy, rashy, exhausted… like i have a really bad flu at best.

And actually affects my breathing where I am congested and raspy. I can hear squealing everytime I take a breath. And I don’t have asthma! Some people die because others cannot grasp the idea that stinking pretty can kill.

So next time you have the urge to put one more product on (and I don’t just mean perfume, but everything from makeup to hair gel, soap to hand lotion) think of that person who can no longer go into crowded places because it could kill them. It’s already tried several times.

And yeah you could say it’s our/their issue to bear. But why? Have you ever considered that most of what makes a perfume smell good is the same thing they use in chemical fertilizer and bug sprays?

That may not affect you YET. But then there is the ozone, isn’t there?

relationships are a challenge: have a cookie eg

relationships are a challenge: have a cookie eg

For an inane example… if I give you a cookie or you take the cookie from me, you still get the cookie.

If you eat the cookie, and enjoy it, you have the sensory experience of enjoying the taste and texture of the cookie. If you don’t enjoy it, same, Do my feefees matter to you? Does it matter if they are negative or happy?

I get the loss of having that cookie. I might or might not have another one. But if I’ve tasted it before, I have the sensory memory of the loss. It might bring up past experiences that have nothing to do with the cookie.

Whether it was your intention or not, I lost the cookie and feefees came up. How bad that is depends on how my emotional state is atm. How bad it is determines if we have a relationship in the future or not.

I cannot taste what you do. I cannot experience the cookie the way you do. Even if I have had it before. One of us might have allergies, or diabetes, or a negative or positive experience associated with something in that cookie that triggers us. How bad that gets depends on our past history,

Depending on my day, that loss might be a grief or a fear that it’ll be the last cookie I have of this kind, or that if I had another cookie, you’d want that one too. It can appear like the end of the world if my emotions are skewed.

You might want to share it with me, or with someone else. Does that cause jealousy in me or you? Does that jealousy end our relationship?

My experience doesn’t negate yours and yours doesn’t negate mine. And we engage in thoughts and feelings that all humans do. We see the other as what they should be and ourselves at our worst day. Depending on a host of factors.

How often you take my cookie or how often I give things or time to you, with or without return matters. It adds to our emotional state and our relationship bears the weight of it.

And here you thought it was just a cookie, right? Sighs!

Parataxic distortion.

It’s not unnatural, it just is. Human nature. No two beings or experiences are the same. In love or in sex.

These foolish things… (a story/ish?)

These foolish things…

One day an amoeba was crawling along and minding it’s own rhythm and path… A wise man who had many accolades in science stopped by to look at it. The scientist-type said,

you can’t walk upright, you can’t talk. You can’t read, you can’t write. You must be stupid!

So the amoeba crawled up the guy’s butt and gave him dysentery. The guy died.

He gets to the pearly gates. St Peter asked how he died. The guy said,

I called an amoeba stupid and it gave me dysentery. Near as I can figure anyways. And I am pretty wise! Look at my CV!

St Peter shook his head.


A bonobo was spending it’s day doing what bonobos do. Scavenging, eating, scratching, peeing, pooping, rutting… A wise man watched for a bit and said,

you can’t walk upright, you can’t talk. You can’t read, you can’t write. You must be stupid!

The bonobo chased the guy down, flinging feces after him. The guy tripped and cracked his head against a rock and died.

He gets to the pearly gates. St Peter asked how he died. The guy said,

I called a bonobo stupid and it flung it’s poop at me. Near as I can figure anyways. And I am pretty wise! Look at my CV!

St Peter shook his head.


A seedling was put into the ground by a scientist-type. For many years, he watched, watered and weeded. He left instructions for it’s care and feeding to his students and in his will.

Till one day he got fed up and said,

you can’t walk upright, you can’t talk. You can’t read, you can’t write. You must be stupid!

The plant did nothing. And the guy kicked it and slipped and cracked his head. He died.

He gets to the pearly gates. St Peter asked how he died. The guy said,

I called a plant stupid and it made me mad enough, I lost my footing and fell. . Near as I can figure anyways. And I am pretty wise! Look at my CV!

St Peter shook his head.


St Peter went and talked to a sage that had been old in human form and was ancient in ever-after form. He asked him why he was getting such foolish answers to his question.

The sage said,

Because humans think they’re master of everything they survey. The wiser they are, the more grandiose they become. And it seems to reduce them again to a foolish state of being.

St Peter shook his head.

“the people are coming, the people are coming!!” (a story)

“the people are coming, the people are coming!!”

They looked like two young married couples and everyone in the neighbourhood treated them as such. So they went along with it when outdoors.

After all, they wanted to fit in. But that isn’t the whole story.

All four of the people living in the house were bi and they had made up this quad so they could have consistent, fluid-bonded partners. Keep up appearances too.

Two men and two women. One man and one woman each got married. The others stood up for them and were named their alternates and beneficiaries on all legal paperwork. But only these four knew they were legally wed. Not even their families. It was just a barrier against their families taking decision-making power from them. It’d be a surprise if they tried anything.

The only people who knew otherwise were their closest friends in the lifestyle. There was a poly ceremony so all four of them were bound and celebrated.

And they had bought a house together. Just so there was no visiting back and forth, running back and forth.

There were four bedrooms in the house they rented, so they each had their own room. Which made it nice and handy for the bed hopping they did. As they had a need for whomever. To their families, they were four single people sharing accomodations. And that is all. So when they had overnights, they’d do gender bunking. And giggle that their family never considered that gay people have sex too.

Now and then they got the get-married-and-settle-down speeches. But they returned it with attending-their-careers-now. While they were young. And laughed after they left.

It worked. And all four people in the house had their needs met. And felt safe from consequences. And they were..

All they needed to remember was to hide everything in their bedrooms that didn’t fit that image.

the influence

Ikea commercial

Her Almost Perfect Wedding Day (a story)

Her Almost Perfect Wedding Day

Paul Stookey

It was almost everything she had ever dreamed of; the white dress, the big church wedding, the groomsmen and maids, her best friend standing beside her as her maid of honour, his as his best man. Flowers on every pew and on any standing surface; window sills and tables full as well as the pulpit.

Her mom and dad crying as she said her vows. Tables of guests eating their faces off and drinking toasts to her health and fertility. Dancing and clapping to the bride and groom strutting their stuff.

And the pictures of the day came out so gorgeously. No one had a complaint, even her and she was pretty dang picky! Some might even say she invented Bride-zilla. Yes she was that bad.

But like I said it was ALMOST perfect… Everytime she turned a bit too much away from the pulpit to look at her groom, her husband, she saw her daddy’s sawed-off rifle in her groom’s back.

Every time she looked down, she saw the buldge in her perfect white, lace, silk gown. So she held onto the flowers she was supposed to have handed off to her maid of honour at the beginning of the ceremony.

And the groom stood thinking of the queen, so he could get thru the service without crying. His bride was meant to be just a one-nighter. And now she’d be with him always. Instead of being an artist, he had to go to work for his daddy or hers. To pay for that bit of fun.

But she had other plans for when she bore his name… Since he’d already had the wedding night, anyway. She had already picked out a stunning black lacy, silk dress. And her mind was full of her standing beside the coffin. His coffin. She just knew she’d have fun as a merry widow!

She didn’t much like feeling used, like he had done.

the bunny boiler diaries

Q – need vs want in partner choices

I know in a perfect world we have a laundry list of things we want to have in our lover. But how many of them are deal breakers? And how many of them are even reasonable expectations?

For eg: is it reasonable when you both know it’s an affair that has to end at some point as you are both married for you to go into a deep dark place and contemplate suicide? How attached should you get?

Eg 2 How reasonable is it for one person to do all the heavy work, in investment and support/succor and the other person acts in infantile ways? Then goes off the rails when they get called on it?

And is there a reasonable expectation that what happens between you two stays between you two? Unless you feel unsafe and need help exiting. That’s my only exception. But yours may be very different. I just know I’d ask my lover before disclosing deeply personal stuff, esp on the internet in a public post.

So what do you look for from your partner, and is it a need or a want? Is it reasonable?


Her Feathered Nest

Everywhere you looked inside her nest you’d see some memento of him. She collected a bowl of stones from his patio, leaves from his trees she pressed into a decopage, she ripped a few tiles off his roof… Stuff like that. She said it was her bird brain acting out. Called it a magpie thing at first, till she read something online that said magpies are getting a bad rap. It seems they really aren’t thieves after all?! So maybe she was a kite? She knew she’d soar above fires to get the things.

There are days when outside your window
I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective
When we’ll be lovers, lovers at last
You gotta spend some time, love
You gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you’ll find love
I will possess your heart (Death Cab for Cutie)

She spent a lot of time near his place. She took pictures of him working at his desk, in the garden, even in the back forty. Wherever she could catch a glimpse. His mother felt sorry for her and often invited her in for tea and sympathy. Despie the fact he asked her not to let the crazy lady in. She always made some excuse to look around. Doing a tea run to the kitchen, needing a bathroom break… and found some little treasure he left out. They made their way to her house and into her bin of his collectibles.

I can’t live, if living is without you.
I can’t give, I can’t give any more.
Can’t live, if living is without you.
Can’t give, I can’t give any more. (Air Supply)

She wrote for hours in her diary, a couple times a day. Keeping a log of everything she found out about him, all the things she had collected. Then she wrote a love letter to him twice a day and left it with his mother. She asked if he even read them when she visited with his mom. His mom shook her head sadly. And fussed over her a bit. She liked that. It seemed nice, as if she had become part of the family. As if his mother was on her side and wanted them to be together.

If you told me to cry for you, I could
If you told me to die for you, I would
Take a look at my face
There’s no price I won’t pay
To say these words to you (Bon Jovi)

She poured her heart out to her friends, family, coworkers, about her great love for him. And all she needed was one chance. And he’d love her as much as she loved him. In truth, he said she gave him the creeps! (Can you blame him??)

I am now
A central part
Of your mind’s landscape
Whether you care
Or do not
Yeah, I’ve made up your mind
The more you ignore me
The closer I get (Morrissey)

And whenever she got a babysitting job, she piled the kids into the back seat, with blankets for cold and rainy days, and iced drinks for hot ones, and drove by his place. Over and over till the kids were all sleeping. Then she parked at the end of his lane and watched him. She called it her date night with him. In her mind, the kids in the back were theirs, and she knew she’d talk him into having them. No mater what he said now.
Their song, according to her, was (Holding on to Yesterday) . She knew he listened to Ambrosia often.

I keep thinkin’that I’m lonely
But it’s only missing you inside
Days that we were once together
Seems they’ll never come alive
So I keep holdin’ on to yesterday

Aww such was romance, in her mind. 😛


Chav’s Letter to Stacy and Becky

Dear ladies,
I think you are so hawt. I dream bout you every night. I see you in the faces of all the women I run into in my day. I can’t get you outta my head. It’s driving me crazy with lust for you. And I think cuzz I feel it, you should give it.

So tell me: why oh why! D’you give it to Chad instead??

He’s no effin better than me. Money aint all dat!

I used to be (used to be) so in control
But reality (reality)’s losing its hold
Now I don’t know where to begin
Just look at the state that I’m in
My mind is in total decay
I ‘m coming to take you away (Alice Cooper)

Just give me half a chance, one bit more than you give him. I blame all the feminist hags. Don’t you listen to them! They’re all frozen, never to be laid again. Dried up, I say! Bitter and enraged. Shrews! One good fuck’d tame them! I’d give you what they need so bad.

I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to god

You can have my isolation
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith
You can have my everything (Nine Inch Nails)

Unlike the Chad’s of the world, you’d know you’re my only one. I’d treat you like gold, silk, gems. Something so precious. I’d never take my eyes and hands off you. You’d be mine and I’d be yours.

Drinking mercury
To the mystery of all that you should ever seek to find
Lovely girl you’re the murder in my world
Dressing coffins for the souls I’ve left behind
In time
We must never be apart
And you’ll always be my whore
‘Cause you’re the one that I adore
And I’ll pull your crooked teeth
You’ll be perfect just like me
In you I feel so dirty in you I crash cars
In you I feel so pretty in you I taste god
We must never be apart (Smashing Pumpkins)

You’ll never be alone again. I’ll make you into what i want. You’ll be my world and I’ll be yours. Nothing and noone will come between us. I’ll shape you and break you. You are my desire. I gotta have you!

I want to hold you close
Skin pressed against me tight
Lie still, and close your eyes girl
So lovely, it feels so right
I want to hold you close
Soft breasts, beating heart
As I whisper in your ear
I want to fucking tear you apart (She Wants Revenge)

I’m only a step away. Writing love letters to you everyday. You know you want me as much as i want you. You know you can’t say no! Or you’ll be the stupidest girl and you’ll deserve the Chad who beats you and cheats on you! Cuzz you gave up me! Before I even had a chance!

If I want to get along to change who doesn’t want to change this
I know you feel it too
These words get overused
When we get up and over it and over them
Up and over it and over them
I know you feel it too
It all seems so untrue
When you get up and over it and over them
No we’re not ready for fair distribution
Just determine the solution for
No we’re not ready for hell hell no for hell hell no (Tegan and Sara)

I know you see me. I’m the guy who brings you things, the neighbour across the street, your errand boy… I know I’m not a fantasy. But I’d give you my all baby. Just waiting for you to see the man who’d love you till you die.

My windows look into your living room
I spend the afternoon on top of you
I wonder what it is
That I did to make you move in

I’d spend all night losing sleep
I’d spend the night and I lose my mind
Well I’d spend the night and I’d lose my mind
My windows look into your bathroom

Well I spend the evening watching
You get yourself clean
I wonder why it is
That they left this bathroom so unclean (Tegan and Sara)

If having a guy who you’d be everything to doesn’t work, then I want you to know, having watched you this long…just know… I’ve seen every roll of your skin. I’ve watched your sheets quiver while you’re masturbating, thinking of him…

I know all your secrets!

I’ve been in your room reading your diary. And I stole all your candy. Cuzz last thing I want is you being fat and stupid! Even if you keep ignoring me!

Signed your ever loving Chav.
Just come to me.

[Fatal Attraction  – bunny boiler scene]


The mistletoe and the oak tree (a story)

The mistletoe and the oak tree

The oak was a proud tree. He bent and swayed with the breeze, but nothing much took him down. The water, earth and air made him a good home. And he stood tall and able against nature, even at most of it’s stormiest weather. Only fire was it’s enemy.

So when he saw seeds blowing his way in the wind, he thought nothing of it. What harm could seeds do? When the seeds flirted with him, he decided to flirt back. What harm could flirting do?

Then the seeds grew roots and dug into him a bit. But he was a tall tree… what harm could a few tendrils do?

He sang to the rooted seeds:

Cause I’ll just use you then I’ll set you free.
Baby, baby don’t get hooked on me. (Mac Davis)

And the mistletoe just giggled and dug in further. The oak really didn’t care much. What threat was a seed after all? Even if it was going deeper. He had room to spare. He was tall and strong. And the seed roots were very little to him. Even after the plant grew, the bush grew. the flowers grew. And the birds came.

Till one day the oak realized that he was starting to get sick. He was getting weak and didn’t have the fortitude he used to.

His song that he sang to the mistletoe changed:

I like to see you But then again
That doesn’t mean you mean that much to me
I’m not in love, no no, it’s because
Ooh you’ll wait a long time for me
Ooh you’ll wait a long time (10CC)

As he withered and died, the mistletoe started sending seeds out to nearby plants. Birds started building their nests in it’s bush and in the oak tree. Squirrels started building nests and storing their acorns in it’s holes and crannies. There was nothing they could do to save the tree’s life, but they would honour it’s form. It’s ghost would be a good home for them.

And the mistletoe’s bush started to die with the oak’s last breath.

The birds and the squirrels heard her soft song:

Can’t let go and it doesn’t matter how I try
I gave it up
So easily
To you my love
To dreams that never will come true
Am I strong enough to see it through
Go crazy is what I will do
If I can’t have you
I don’t want nobody baby (Yvonne Elliman)

The birds, animals and other trees nearby told the story for years after. About the seeds that had taken down a mighty oak. Before the mistletoe had died, mourning her actions. But not before seeds had been imbedded in other oaks nearby. It was a contagion.


It was a love song, about life and the journey of the oak and the mistletoe. Yet it was also about pride and parasitic behaviour that is never taken quite as seriously somehow as other predators are. We all know to stay away from a snake or a hungry lion. We all know to stay away from a bog or forest fire. But the most common threat to a mighty oak is a mistletoe’s seed.

In human terms, the manly man was taken down by a woman who he thought was no threat at all. Who little by little took over his life, till he couldn’t breathe, and died in her arms. Because he was crowded out by her needs.