Q – Does anyone know you well enough to tell you how you’re feeling?

I have a boundary/line in the sand. It just burns me to no end when someone tries to say they know better than I do how I feel. Whether it’s online and they try to read emotion I didn’t have into my posts. Or IRL and try to read my face and tell me what my state of mind is.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been in relationships where someone was trying to use gaslighting and coercive control on me (which may make me more alert than I need to be? Or not?).

Given the same exact cues or triggers, people don’t always react the same way, or to the same degree. Which means not many people could tell with any surety how another person feels. And it’s usually better to ask them how they feel than presume. And very few people would be so detached from their own feelings that they couldn’t tell you what’s going on inside of their own heads.

Which to me means that if they are telling you the truth, they should know better than you could how they feel. What they feel.

There are times when they may not want to share that state of mind with you…..

• to avoid hurting your feelings
• to avoid scaring you
• because they don’t trust you

and that should be considered valid, rather than a lie. What can you do in these scenarios? I think the common answer would be to reassure them that you’re a safe place for them. Which may take time and patience. If you don’t have that for them, then isn’t it better to withdraw rather than causing more damage to your relationship? Maybe try again later or drop the issue?

I know when I’m trying to hide my feelings from someone it’s more often because I don’t think they have any right to know what goes on inside my head. Which I think is valid too.

• If I don’t know you well
• if I think you’re intruding
• if I think you’re trying to control or manipulate me

Usually nobody knows you as well as you know yourself. So for them to suggest that what you say your feelings are is wrong or a lie is crossing a boundary. One that even the best trained therapists should be wary of.

If you would be upset by something going on atm, it’s fair to say that you are disturbed/upset. And wonder if they are as well. Or perhaps you know of a friend who has gone thru a similar situation or you did and how they/you felt then. Maybe share that story rather than impose an emotion on someone who is trying to defend themselves against your intrusion.

And give them the grace to figure out their own state of mind rather than impose yours on them. They’ll let you know when they’re ready to let you in. Badgering them will just confuse the issue more by adding to their anger and/or fear and lack of trust in you.

Q – What do you call ‘peace’ or ‘pacifism’?

Some might call it a question of degree. Some phase between doormat and warrior, or subservient and psychopath. Some place between allowing someone to take you over and standing up for yourself, or only being aggressive in defense of yourself or someone you’re protecting. Like your child or an elderly parent.

Is there a condition in which a pacifist would attack someone? Or go to war?

Most people consider someone like Gandhi or MLK when discussing what civil resistance is. Being willing to go to jail for what you think is right. Or being ready to die for the rights you hold dear. But then you’d need to add the definition of martyrdom to this question. At what point do you sacrifice yourself? Or something, someone you hold dear. Could you even put yourself in a situation where you know your very presence will cause someone to be violent? Like a protest the police might want to break up, or members of the group may turn into a riot?

Does a pacifist have rights though? Do they own anything that isn’t actually a gift rather than property? Because if you won’t defend what you hold, the fact you still have it means that someone is allowing that. Why would they?

In your pacifism, are you allowed to take part in politics? It would seem like that could be leading and it requires assertion and maybe even manipulation? But you certainly aren’t just going thru your day, doing your duties and resting as needed.

If you don’t want to be in politics or be a social agent, more than doing your job and being friendly, can you ask someone else to do it on your behalf? Instead of you? If you can’t ask that, can you participate in society? It would seem like you’re abdicating your role in society.

And what about as a parent or teacher? Can you be an authority to young ones when you can’t dominate them? Or even lead them?

It’s not that simple a question, is it? I guess it comes down to where your rights supersede another’s. Or if they do.

What do you think it means to be a pacifist?

This is a question I’ve spent my life considering since I grew up in a pacifistic community. I’m still not clear on the limits or morals of what I can do in this frame. I wonder if I’ll ever understand.

Q – Media – Which would you rather view? Violence or Sex?

I guess it comes down to which you think has the greatest negative impact. I’m not sure if the ‘experts’ have answered this yet?

My personal preference is to watch sex rather than violence. Which is kind of odd cuzz I actually love martial arts. But I don’t mean blood feuds. I mean sparring, for a show of excellence. And I can’t say that I really like too many kinds of porn. Maybe I’m too much of a romantic?

But that’s just for adults, obv….. It’s one thing to teach kids a healthy sense of their body. And yeah you’d want them to know how to drive the car so to speak. You obv can’t show them. But maybe some things should wait for maturity. Not that it’d be great for them to see violence either. But where do you draw the line, between sport like boxing or wrestling and fighting?

Sometimes it seems like it has to be one or the other. But does it? You’d think so, considering how often it’s available today.

Q – So who actually ‘discovered’ the Americas?

Q – So who actually ‘discovered’ the Americas?

• The Vikings
• St. Brendan, who was born in Ireland
• Prince Madog ab Owain Gwynedd
• Prince Henry Sinclair
• West African empires trading
• Polynesian

and now we know that the Clovis people wasn’t the first wave of discovery in the Americas either…..

So what day should be celebrated? Prob not Columbus Day?

Q – Who do you share your SM platform with?

I don’t mean that you’re giving your PINs to. I’m referring to what thoughts/philosophies do you allow to be spread with your likes, re-blogs, or opposites?

I know I’m getting a LOT more careful about what I draw attention to when I’m on SM. Is it ‘cancel culture’ if I refuse to give oxygen to a hate group? Or to a bully? If I wouldn’t hang with them IRL, will I on SM?

But then again, by silence am I leaving them unchallenged? And leaving people who are more vulnerable left thinking this is the only POV? Here is where you should know the value of writing your own thoughts, vs amplifying theirs. Separately.

It’s def a judgment call, isn’t it? What can I tolerate interacting with? On any given day that can change for me, dependant on how many spoons I have of course. And who the bully or wrong thought affects. How much info I know about the issue or group(s) involved.

I also know I’m trying to get more educated about what I don’t know. I’m not just leaving it in the dust. So they might not get my goat this time, but soon!

And who I’d have to challenge is also a factor. On Twitter for eg, I tend to block ‘experts’ I think are idiots. I may not know their field…. but google has some real sources. If I think Jack or Jill said something wonky, I go down the rabbit hole of research looking for the answer to why the hairs are standing up on the back of my neck. I may not have wisdom in all things. But I do have pretty good instincts. And a base understanding of what their field is known for. And that is growing each course I take.

So when I run into someone now who sounds off, I feel pretty ok with challenging them (mostly in social human study fields) when I can cite someone more credible than they are. (high five self!)

Funnily enough though, they don’t back down. Often they go all in on their POV and that’s worth a giggle. Or two. As I block them and walk away.

Is that setting up an ‘echo chamber’ for myself though? I don’t think so. Because I’m still trying to inform myself from credible sources. Just not from someone i just proved to myself is a stubborn fool.

Learning is good.
Discussion is excellent.
Being pig headed isn’t though.
IMHO of course!

The Difference Between Sex Work and Sex Trafficking

There is some presumption that sex work is done by adults, who for whatever reason decide to go into the business. Under the feminist and criminal models, there is some concern how freely one can consent to be used and abused. ( ie addicts, runaways, homeless, poor people) But as a business, they receive money for a service they give customers.

There’s also some concern about the communities in which the business is carried out. (ie spreading crime with the prostitution) And the spread of STIs as a public health issue. The use of resources for this health concern. This concern presumes that without sex workers there would be no other means of getting the STIs, which is far from the truth.

And what about the govt stepping into the area of morality policing? If the sex worker and their client are in a transactional relationship, and they’re the only parties, then why should the govt be concerned? Or involved? (ie courtesan and sponsor)

Also, is the relationship actually sexual? Many sex workers are ‘dates’ for social events. Or are now on camera or websites. Where there is no likelihood of sexual contact, or any other kind.

…..

Where the issue of trafficking is in play,

• is when someone is abducted, coerced, or forced into sex work.
• Or when the sex work is done by someone who is not of age or mental capacity (including addicts) to give consent.
• and when the sex worker isn’t making the profits. When the money is going to pimps, gangs or criminal enterprises. And the sex worker is left destitute.
• Plus when the sex worker is mistreated (beaten, raped, tortured, murdered) it would be unlikely they are giving full consent.

When people discuss sex work and trafficking, they mostly talk about women and girls as the sex workers. But there is another group to consider. LGBTQ people also are involved in sex work as worker and client.

This is another autonomy issue that we need to consider. When is the govt allowed to tell us when we can/can’t do something with our own bodies?

It’s not a cut and dried issue either. But it just seems like some govts and businesses as well as so-called advocacy groups are getting too intrusive. How do we separate the criminal trafficking and the people engaged in consensual activities? Or do you think there is such a thing in this discussion?

Exploring Alternative Lifestyles

Have you ever explored the concepts of alternative health? egs.
Massage, acupuncture/pressure, naturopathy….

Have you gone to a retreat or teambuilding weekend for work?

Do you attend seminars or read self help books?

What do you think of conspiracy theories?

Well, you’re here….so we can presume that you are open to alt sexual lifestyles. lol

But how far is too far? When is your next call their governing body or the police?

Are you ‘open minded’ or conservative in your views?

The internet sure has a LOT of variety of offerings for us to chose from, doesn’t it?

Q – When do we separate the theorist from the theory? Or the artist from the art?

We talk a LOT about ‘cancelling’ these days. IMO it’s pretty much a pop trend. Because in academia, it takes a LOT to kick someone to the curb. There, it’s more like cherry-picking. What you like you keep. What you don’t, you pretend isn’t there. Academics are voracious, rabid learners. And they truly don’t care who they learn from.

So going onto social media, sometimes you just have to giggle. If someone chews bubble gum wrong, they get dumped on. They could be the sweetest, smartest person on earth…. But they chew gum wrong!!

And then there’s the counter movement. The defenders. Their stans who will love them no matter what they do. Even if they’re a racist, serial killer, rapist. It’s THEIR racist, serial killer, rapist. And you just cannot talk smack about them.

Same with expertise. Academics fight. But when someone talks bad about one, they close ranks. (ie Graham Hancock)

These days, so much of theory is online. Accessible to all. You can take MOOCs, read professional papers, watch videos posted by Ivy League universities and top of the world hospitals and clinics. But if you dare claim you know something? Someone will be happy to slap you down. Call you the dreaded ‘pseudo’ – theorist!

So what do you think? Do you ‘cancel’ people when they do something you don’t like? What does it take? Do you say only academics know things? Or are smart, talented? Or can people be arm-chair philosophers?

About Emotional Manipulation

Article: Red Flags: Are You Being Emotionally Manipulated? if you want more info or don’t understand something in the list.

reminder!!

We all manipulate because we all want our way and our life/relationships eased. But there are good and bad ways to get that. And communication is the best way to break free of the destructive aspects of manipulation.

TWELVE COMMON MANIPULATION TACTICS

• Using intense emotional connection to control another person’s behavior.
• Playing on a person’s insecurities.
• Lying and denial.
• Hyperbole and generalization.
• Changing the subject (or deflection)
• Moving the goalposts.
• Using fear to control another person.
• Using social inequities to control another person.
• Passive-aggression.
• Giving a person the silent treatment.
• Gaslighting.
• Recruiting others to help with manipulation.

…….

WHY DO PEOPLE MANIPULATE OTHERS?

• Poor communication skills.
• A desire to avoid connection.
• Fear.
• Defensiveness.

…..

• Social norms. Some forms of manipulation are normal, and perhaps even beneficial.
• Marketing, advertising, and other financial or political incentives.

……

PROTECTING YOURSELF FROM EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION

• Communicating in direct, clear, and specific ways.
• Understanding when manipulation is normal and when it’s not.
• Setting clear boundaries around manipulation
• Asking for insight from trusted third parties.

Q – What does ‘politically correct’ mean?

Since I was a small child and had to learn English to go to school, I’ve been fascinated by language. It’s so important that people are able to communicate. (No this isn’t about free speech).

But being able to and querying whether or not you should are two separate things. Most people consider farting at the dinner table to be quite rude. (Prolly smelly too!!) We all fart, just may be a bad time to do it if you want people at the table to be ok with you being there. Right? Most people also try not to fart in an elevator.

Language is meant to ease the social functions you have to engage in. It’s also about what group you belong to. Like the difference between Greek, Latin and the other Romantic languages and their mixed dialects (with English usually). And unless there is a baby, toddler or pet in the room, most people don’t talk baby talk. The odd couple do it in their early romance stage. But it’d be a rare person who goes up to the boss, teacher or a stranger, scratches their chin, or pinches their cheeks (either set!), and coos at them…. Right?

So we do get that language is situational and based on your relationship with a person, don’t we? Some people think you can plomp down beside a stranger and tell them all about the difficulty they have with sex or toileting, but it’s not that usual , j/s.

Most people don’t walk up to a stranger and ask them inappropriate questions about their sex life or bathroom habit. Nor do they talk about politics or religion outside their group.

Social media sometimes changes these rules, but not always. You might seek advice for specific things in your health and body functions by using a hashtag. You might chose who can respond or re-blog what you’ve said. And in some sites you can even consider who can view your comments.

These things shape what you feel comfortable saying/sharing in certain spaces or groups. It’s not a lack of freedom so much as it’s about discretion .

Which is where political correctness comes in. My question to myself before I post something is ‘who could see this and be hurt by it?’ (Which is a LOT of the issue I have with people like Jordan Peterson and so does his College). Most people are fine if you say something rude or mean. But there’s that one person who is in crisis and my words could do more to them than hurt their feefees. Then what?

And most people don’t go around calling others names or telling them how to behave. Telling them you want to kill them or they should kill themselves.

You might get some odd or stern looks if you act up. You might get a visit from the police if it’s a huge issue. Like a threat.

So is asking people to show a little compassion or consideration too much? Is it just about having the right to open your gob and mouth off? Or do you enjoy having your nose straight? Maybe even prefer it?

I think humanity have always tried to have some sense of belonging and civility in our social dealings. That does change now and then. We use different language of ownership and kinship. Power often changes how we speak to someone. But power doesn’t always protect us from the consequences of our words. The person we speak to with cruel words still has the option of stepping up and hitting us. It’s not likely to end well for them, but in theory, yes they are able.

Therefore we know that language is dynamic. And it evolves over time, space, situation and relationships.

So what is the fuss when someone asks us not to be rude, or hurt their feelings? Why do you feel you can be mean and face no consequences? Is the only thing that guides you whether what you are saying could land you in jail? Or kicked off a site?

Where is your line in the sand when it comes to how you speak to people?