xmas erotica

Calling the North Pole

I was looking for something different to do for my jaded daughter, to convince her that Santa was real. And ended up being filled with the “spirit” myself.
I saw an ad in the paper about a toll free line to the North Pole that you could call for special arrangements for Christmas and decided to call. See what it was about.
I dialed the digits 1-888- JOY – HOHO and listened to the ringing for a few bells.  Then the mssg came on …
> all our operators are busy. It’s a crazy, joy-filled time of year. Please be patient and listen to this song.
[Santa Claus is coming to town][https://youtu.be/1xOe4GRyebo]
My toes were tapping and I hummed along. Whatever else I felt about Christmas, I always have loved the music. Esp when I was young and when my kid was young as well.
When that song was over, there was another mssg…
> thank you for waiting.  Our operators are  excited by the demand for their attention. They hope you are too. While you are waiting, here is another song to listen to.
[Rudolph the red nosed reindeer][https://youtu.be/0byH9h1ClBY]
Ah yes, the story of Rudolph.  It always struck me as a bit sad. Poor young Rudolph, ostracized for being different till it was useful to Santa during a storm. Have you seen the cartoon where he meets the Abominable Snowman and goes to the island of misfit toys?  So sad.  When the song was over, the operator came back on with this mssg…
> The queu is getting smaller and you are obviously on the good list, since you are willing to bear with us.  We will be with you as soon as possible. I’m sure you’re looking forward to the holiday. Here’s another song to listen to while you wait.
[12 days of Christmas][https://youtu.be/oyEyMjdD2uk]
Just as this song wrapped up, I heard a knock at my door. Good thing I had a cordless phone. I went to the door to answer it and saw a man I didn’t know standing there. I said “hello” and smiled.
He said his name was Nicolas and he was a representative from the UPS delivery service.  They had a pkg for me. Would I sign for it?  I said “of course!”  He told me to be a good girl and wait till Christmas to open it and asked me if I promised to do that.  I smiled and promised. . Nicolas left.
I paid attention to the song that was playing on the phone.  It was
[the holly and the ivy][https://youtu.be/57l6dSbVppM]
When it was done, the mssg came on.
> We’re sorry you have been waiting so long, but you are at the top of the list now.  Not much longer to wait… Our operator is looking forward to chatting with you soon.
 I put the unopened pkg under the tree and it honestly slipped my mind. I was into the music and just having fun, humming along.  My daughter banged into the house and waved, as she ran up the stairs to her room.  I managed to get a smile to her and get one back as she ran.
The song had switched to
[have a holly jolly Christmas][https://youtu.be/nVMCUtsmWmQ]
When it was over, the operator came on the line.
>  Hello, my name is Chris. how may I serve you this evening?
 I placed my order with him. I was laughing and joking with him about the gimic they had for those waiting for a human voice.  It had made being on hold a bit more fun for me. I asked him if there were any gifts for adult women who still loved Christmas?  He said “of course!” and made a few suggestions.  Like lingerie and jewelry. I laughed and said I was kidding.  With the gifts for my kid, I was going to be tapped out.  Chris took down my credit card details and wished me a Merry Christmas.
I heard the song
[sleigh ride][https://youtu.be/Qyl29bCmjmg]
begin as we said good bye.
It was on Christmas eve when I placed this call  I had dinner with my kid and had an early night.  As I fell asleep, for some reason, the story
[twas the night before Christmas][https://youtu.be/p46XbyC_5ao]  was running thru my head.  I happily fell asleep to that.
I dreamt of Nick coming to my house in the dead of the night, with sexy lingerie he wanted me to model for him. He was wearing a red bikini with furry red suspenders on to make it festive to the season. As well as white knee high boots.  My lingerie was black. He said it was because I was a naughty girl and he wanted to show me how they were treated in the North Pole.   I laughed and said ok so long as it wasn’t a spanking.  It wasn’t.
Instead Nick gave me a tongue bath, head to toe. When he finally coaxed my orgasm from me, I managed to ask what good girls got when they were my age.  He laughed and said they got toys.  Nick was supposed to reform the bad girls.  He slowly and very meanly put his cock in my vajay and we rocked each other’s world. When we were done, I asked him if I could have more convincing.  He said “anytime!”   I fell asleep, laughing,  in his arms.
In the morning, I woke up alone.  Thinking I had had a really cool dream. I was smiling all day.  My kid and I finally got around to exchanging our presents and I told her about the call and the carols. Told her there was more coming. All set to go into the kitchen, I was hailed back by my kid.  She was holding a UPS pkg  Asked me what it was. “Oh I forgot!.  I went back to the tree and saw my name on the pkg.  I opened it and saw the black lingerie I had worn in my dreams.  I could feel my face changing colour. I was startled. How the hell??
My kid wanted to know who had sent the outfit. The card said Santa. I had no clue!

Sexy Carolling

The first thing I heard out of their mouths, to let me know they were on my porch, was the song [here we come a caroling][https://youtu.be/in6XgUNWlMM] .  So I stood up and went to greet them with a plate of cookies and a carafe each of coffee and hot chocolate. And dixie cups of course. Partly because I’m kind and they were probably cold, and partly because I wanted to shut them up.  SOOOO not in the mood for carols. By the time I got to the porch, they began [good king Wenceslas][https://youtu.be/bMmxhhfQw0c] .  Well at least they weren’t doing deeply religious songs, right?  I could live with a little jiggy stuff. I handed around the cookies, and that is when I saw him. He was cold!  His cheeks were ruddy and the rest of his face was as well! Just my type though and my eyes lit up.  He was looking at me like I was his next meal as well. Hmmm… I went to get more cookies! Suddenly I wanted them to stick around. [jingle bell rock][https://youtu.be/itcMLwMEeMQ] was their next choice as I served them the 2nd plate of cookies.  He winked at me as I handed him a candy cane shaped short bread cookie and smiled at him. I slipped him my number and he grinned.

I re-filled their cups and they wandered off to the next house.  I went back inside.  There!  I’d done my good deed and who knows, he might be my present for it. We’d see.

I was sitting back in my chair and had just picked up my book again, when I heard a knock at my back door.

When I answered it, it was the caroller!  I invited him in and we introduced ourselves.  He was Mike.  I gave him a hand warmer pad and a cup of coffee. I noticed earlier that he had preferred that to the hot chocolate. He asked if I wanted another carol.  I just laughed and said “no thanks!” He didn’t listen and started singing [you’re a mean one, Mr Grinch][https://youtu.be/tWFaP1tkGgM] and we both laughed while he was singing.  Must have been a challenge to sing and laugh at the same time.  I decided to stop him by giving him a kiss. That has never failed to stop a man from singing before.  And it didn’t now either.  He kissed me back.

It was a good thing his skin was warm by then, because we started cuddling, kissing more, macking on each other…  all that.  And he went from man to octopus, of course.  But I had no complaints.  I was Mrs Octopus!

I shoved him onto the couch and we were grinding at each other and somehow managing to get our clothes off as well. As soon as we both had our pants off, he slipped his cock into me and we were rocking each other’s world in no time. Then he picked me up and asked me where the bed was.  I pointed him in the right direction and he carried me, with my legs around his hips. His cock still inside me.  All the way to my bed. Where he laid me down and started really fucking me again. It was a screamer for sure!  For both of us.

After our joining, he held me in his arms. And asked if I ever sang.  I said yes, and considering the circumstance, I started to sing [Santa, Baby][https://youtu.be/jFMyF9fDKzE] ,  channeling my inner Eartha Kitt.  He thought that was pretty sexy.

Mike had to go.  But before he did, he made sure I had his number and asked if we could get together again.  I thought that was a great idea, so of course, I said yes.

I found myself humming carols after he left.  So all it took to get me in the mood for Christmas was to get laid?  Well then… something to keep in mind!  lol

Dear Nutcracker

I was on a shopping trip at my local mall. And came upon a living village. There were elves, dancers, a choir and nutcrackers/toy soldiers standing guard. In attitude, they were much like the guards at Buckingham Palace.
Somebody had gone to a lot of work and the players had really practiced hard for this day. They were perfectly synchronized. Kids and their parents were enjoying the show, laughing and singing along with the choir. It was so cool, I stopped as well, even though I wasn’t really in the Christmas mood.
One of the nutcracker/soldiers caught my eye. He was so cute in his costume. Not that he would have been ugly out of it. But he was a great advertisement of what the day was about. In looks.
So I found myself staring at him. And soon I attracted his attention. When the attention of the crowd was elsewhere, he handed me his cell phone number. And I smiled and left. But not before I sent him a text saying I thought he was cute too.
I went further into the mall to make my purchases. I finished in about an hour. Just in time for the live village to take a break. So I swung around there to see if I could find my nutcracker.
He wasn’t at the village. So I went outside to my van. Only to see him casually smoking a cigarette at the mall doors. I strolled over to see if he wanted to talk. Apparently that wasn’t what he had in mind. He asked if I had a car we could go to. He wanted to make out. Plus.
So I said heck yeah and grabbed his hand. We almost ran to it in our hurry. Giggling all the way. He kissed me as I tried to unlock the door. It seemed like it took forever to get the heavy side door open and get inside with it shut.
But we got there. And started macking on each other as we took our clothes off. (Don’t worry, I have smoked glass in the windows and good shocks!) The seats were down, cuzz I hadn’t been sure what size of pkgs I would have. Fortunately they weren’t that big, so they fit in the front seat.
We had plenty of space to stretch out, while he was pawing me up like there was no tomorrow. It was like we were rushing toward sex. Like we were starving for it. I was almost burning for him and he looked like he was going to explode any second. So he grabbed me, threw me over and entered me. We were banging at each other, slurping and moaning was all you could hear. Until I planted my teeth in his arm and used it as a gag for my screams. I barely heard him say “Jesus!” in pain. We both started coming and that was the last thing that really stood out for me. Him venting about my bite.
But we weren’t done yet.
He kept shoving into me, after his orgasm. Like he had more to go. And he did too. I was staying pretty warm as well. So it didn’t take long for a second round of orgasms. And his poor arm took another bite. This time the last thing I heard was “holy fuck!”, but there was nothing I could do to stop myself or help him.
We managed to settle down and began kissing again, but in a more gentle way. Kissing and stroking each other. It was so erotic.
I was finally at a place where I could care about his arm. So I looked at it and gasped in horror. He was going to have a heck of a bruise tomorrow. It almost looked like a snowman shape, with the teeth marks. We laughed about the spirit of Christmas getting into us. I said something about me being possessed by it.
He looked at his watch and said he had to go. There was another show that evening and the cast had to meet first for director’s notes. He asked if I’d be around later. I blushed and said I sure could be, So he kissed my cheek and got out of the van.
I went to get rid of my pkgs and have something to eat. I had a feeling I’d need the energy later.

Dear Santa’s Elf

I got to the mall, early on a Sunday morning. Yes I crawled out of bed early on my day off to go shopping! Sue me!
When I arrived, there weren’t too many shoppers. So I was puttering around at first. Ducking into this shop or that. Till I noticed there were more people about, esp kids. So it being “that time of year and all”, Santa came to the xmas kiosk and the kiddies cheered. A few screamed and cried. But hey fantasy is hard to deal with in real life when you are small. It can be scary.
While everyone else was wrapped up by the store Santa and all his ho ho’s, I noticed one of his elves.
What can I say? Felt slippers and hat with bells tinkling, striped stockings and a fitted body suit. It got my imagination working on the sexy channel lol. But I might be a bit weird that way. I like the nutcrackers in the ballet better than the swans a leaping.
Looking at her frame, I wondered if she bound her breasts to lend some ambiguity to the suit. For the kids, you don’t always want curves busting out of the clothes, do you?
Whatever…she had definitely grabbed my attention and imagination. I found myself staring. Well she caught me and boy did my face go red! She winked and smiled at me. So I hung around awhile…
When she had a break in the line of kids clammering for their moment with Santa, she came over and we chatted a bit. The “hello, how are you, what’s a girl like you doing in an elf suit, what’s a guy like you doing at the mall, getting to know you” stuff you do in such a situation. (Do people often do this?)
The elf was good enough to take the lead in our chatting, cuzz I’m a shy guy with a crush on an elf. Near Santa. Ugh! Yeah she was at the helm of the sleigh on this one!
When she had to go back, she asked if I would be around when she had her break. I said I sure could be… So she asked me to meet her at the food court. I kept wandering the shops but returning to the kiosk to see if she was still busy. She usually saw me and waved.
Finally the elf was done with her shift and waved me over. I jogged over and she asked me to meet her at the mall washrooms’ area instead. There was a North Pole washroom for the Xmas people to change in. So the kids didn’t see it.
When I got there, the elf grabbed my hand and led me into that bathroom. And actually started kissing me! I was kissing an elf! Xmas would never be the same again! lol
There was a bigger stall in the back for people with chairs or scooters and the elf dragged me into that. I got a chance to find out if she bound her breasts. She did! I played elf’s maid and helped her undo the binding. Out popped her lovely breasts. I was touching an elf’s breast! I looked around guiltily in case Santa was watching. I’m pretty sure I’ll be on his naughty list!
The elf and I managed to get her body suit down and my hands decided for themselves to explore her luscious butt and between her legs. (Is that area called the same things if it’s on an elf??) But whatever it’s called, elves get wet there! So my toy soldier went in for the kill. And there in the bathroom, an elf was shoved up against the wall and bumped uglies with an adoring fan. (grins). It was hot to us, ok??
I was gentleman enough to be sure the pole diving succeeded in her having a holly jolly good time before I got off. And stroke and cuddle her down from her high. Our high.
The elf asked me to get her clothes out of the lockers they had put in for the “visitors from the North Pole” and she became a normal person walking down any street anywhere. The fantasy was definitely over. But oh did I have a memory!
We exchanged emails and kiks. And now and then, I send her a special header, so she knows I’m thinking of that Xmas shopping trip.
“Dear Santa’s Elf…” and she knows I want to see her in green again. Felt slippers and hat with bells on. Haha! She comes to me with bells on. Striped socks and all.
I had sex with an elf! And seems it will be a thing from now on. I wonder if Santa knows? His elf is a bad, bad girl!


paints and all (a story)

Paints and All

There was nothing atypical about her. Melanie was pretty and tried to get by on her looks. Not superstar model pretty, but cute and most people liked having her on their arm. So she thought she could get most anything in life, with a smile or pout. Maybe a little flirting. Or God forbid, a tear if they were really stubborn.
Melanie was often given gifts by men, so they could spend time with her. So she hardly had to work. She lived the life of a courtesan in many ways. Except sex.
There were the “dear friends” who paid her rent and other bills. So they could have an evening with her alone. They took her to fancy restaurants and to art events. So she became “seen” around town. Fell into an art crowd. And met the guy who finally reached her heart.

Richard. (sighs)

He was a starving artist. Richard had a studio apt, with a small kitchenette, a bathroom and his bed-sit room. He barely had room for his easel. So Melanie offered him a room at her flat. And became his favourite model. At first with her clothes on, of course. When she started letting him paint her nude, she had them made into lithographs and had her friends buy copies of them. They became closer. But not lovers. Her friends were quite insistent that she could not sleep with a man if she wanted their continued support. And she did. Richard wasn’t particulary thrilled by that, but it was to his advantage. So he put up with it.

Melanie. (sighs)

Ah yes, young love. A little varied, but oh well lol.

All was well, in this odd relationship. Till a “friend” got too adamant about what he was owed. And presented Melanie with a due bill. He wanted sex with her or she was cut off. He was done waiting. He didn’t ask. He just told her time was up. Nothing Melanie did could stop him and Richard wasn’t in the apt. She was raped.

She screamed for Richard! but he didn’t hear.

He didn’t find her till hours later. She was nude, bloody and bruised. Almost unconscious. Her voice hoarse from calling for him. He heard her tale of woe and helped her clean up. Then told her why they couldn’t change anything. Why the police couldn’t be told. He was finally getting some notice in the art world.
Melanie just stared at him and her love evaporated. As if it had never existed. And he saw it happen in her eyes, in that second.
Melanie walked out of the apt and never went back.
She never saw Richard or any of her friends again.
She got onto a bus and left the town she had always known, to begin again. This time, she knew that her looks might get her everything she ever wanted. But there was a price to be paid.

Richard was left alone. By the end of the month, he was back to his studio apt. With no golden goose. All Melanie’s friends abandoned him. He actually had to get a “real job”. He had traded Melanie for nothing. And he was sorry now.

Most nights he cried, “Melanie, come back!”

He wanted just one more chance. Now he knew, without her he was a flash in a pan. But Melanie never heard his cry. She never cared about him again either.

The Larger Principles of the Dominance Relationship

The Larger Principles of the Dominance Relationship

Looking at the gestalt of BDSM.

  • the first rule of dominance is to control yourself. Which means IMO that it is important to know what emotional state you are in. Before you approach relationships or pick up play. If you are angry or disappointed for eg, you might want to meditate. Your emotional state is not about the sub standing before you. They are not at fault ever for your lack of control. You are!
  • BDSM is about a relationship: with a person of emotions, intelligence, and spirituality as well as the sexual and physical aspects of play. If you don’t even like this person as they stand before you, why are you playing with them?
  • The core point of BDSM is self growth. Which to me means that you have to be learning and progressing yourself. As well as helping/leading/ guiding/supporting your sub in their goals for themselves and the relationship. Stagnance is the enemy. A positive frame is key when you lead.
  • Nothing gets done overnight. It’s a journey of 1000 steps. A dance of timing, rhythm and caring. Where you cooperate with your partner and protect yourself and them.
  • Be sure you have their informed consent for what you want to do. Not only the activity, but also the impact the activity will have on them. If you and they agree something can be engaged in, fine. But if for example the person has a history of abuse, or is at a vulnerable space in their life, things have a bigger impact on their self esteem. eg. Calling one sub a slut might strike them as funny or cute, but might destroy another’s soul. You have to know that.
  • Go in steps! It’s not likely ever to be good to go from zero to hero. Break things down into pieces so you know how they and you cope and work together. How you interact with each other. Before you put the whole thing together and do the lot.
  • The dynamics come in different forms, so don’t presume yours is the be-all and end-all of them. They can be varied by gender, sexual ID, who is the dom and who is the sub. Power shifts, given those variances. For eg, when the dom is male, there is an assumption that the dom is safe, physically and sexually, when the sub is female. This isn’t always the case. What you advise them may not keep them safe.
  • It takes two (minimum) to build a relationship. It takes both of your commitment and effort. That changes/fluxes so there are times when it feels like one carries more weight than the other. As long as you are committed to doing the work together, and protecting your relationship as if it’s another being, you should be fine.
  • I know you want to fight the vanilla, but it’s still relevant to your relationship. And you still may have to deal with vanilla in the larger world. Plus things like going out to dinner, dancing, a movie, build the romance you might need when your sexual energy is low. And to keep things varied. Even a sense of humour might be critical when stuff happens in the D/s aspects of your life. so don’t let go of that.
  • Don’t make the other person into a mythical being. Yes you love, like and lust for them. But under all that glow is a person who will fail and disappoint you. They will cause you pain. They will bore you! There will be slumps. Be in it to win it. Or be just play partners.

Folie a Deux (a story)


Folie à deux

Macey and Stacey were sisters, They were raised to wear the same clothes, do their hair the same way, and enjoy the same things, whether or not they did. Yet they were not twins.Their mother put one to bed if the other was sick, When Macey had cancer, Stacey was treated as well. But she didn’t have cancer. Because their mother was a doctor, she could get the stuff needed.
Stacey almost died because Macey was sick. It was a good thing Macey recovered or Stacey would have died for nothing.
Their mother always swore she would treat her kids exactly rhe same. Apparently even it if killed them. Or one of them anyway.
So when they grew up, Stacey and Macey were more under the impression that they were alike, than they actually were. So they continued to live their life exactly the same way. They married twins, planned their pregnancies at the same time. Hired the same nanny to watch both their kids, worked at the same job type, in the same firm… Wore the same clothes, did their hair the same way.
And saw their mother, instead of an outsider doctor.
When Macey’s cancer came back, Stacey was so indoctrinated that even as an adult, she took the treatment as well. And almost died again. If it hadn’t been for her husband, she would have. He took her to the hospital for tests. One where her mother didn’t have privileges. They said other than being horribly full of chemicals that she didn’t need and being lethargic, she was fine. It took months of psychiatric care for Stacey to individuate from her mother and sister and become her own person.
Then she had to start again. Stacey had to become something, someone other than Macey’s twin.
You would think that their mother would be charged, right? Or even put into a program of some sort? Oh no! “She thought she was doing the right thing”.
With Stacey now treated, Macey and their mom went about acting as if Stacey had died of the cancer that Macey had. Stacey no longer existed. They couldn’t wrap their heads around her having individuated.
They had a funeral for her, which everyone else refused to attend. So they wailed and gnashed their teeth, just the two of them. And Stacey spent the day crying in her husband’s arms. Wanting to know if he’d done her any favours. He gently reminded her about their kids and their life together. And told her they would come around in time. But whenever Stacey saw them in town, they walked away from her. Refused to take her calls or answer when she wrote a letter. No amount of time changed things.
Stacey had died. To only Macey and their mom. Nobody could talk them out of it. Macey’s husband left her and got custody of the kids. They remained close to Aunt Stacey. Closer than their mom. Macey blamed their grief for the breakup of her family. Nothing broke the delusion she and her mother shared. Macey and her mother moved into a house together and wailed about the lack of support they got from their family after Stacey’s death.
Till the days they died.
Stacey went to each of their funerals and mourned for them. But finally she could put their delusion behind her. And freely smile.

I Met a Size Queen (penis size)

I Met a Size Queen (men’s penis note)

I have had enough lovers to know this to be true:

Gentlemen, your penis is not your best sex tool. Let me tell you what works better than the length or girth of your penis (there’s a list) :

  • your ears – listening to your lover’s fantasies and trigger points of arousal, mental and physical ones
  • your imagination – taking what she tells you and creating a story or role play to go around it. Doing the same old all the time gets boring!!
  • your caring about her safety and pleasure
  • your sense of humour -cuzz stuff happens when two people have sex and knowing where and when to place a giggle can really help a lot.
  • your fingers and mouth and whatever sex tools you have handy work also. It’s not just your penis in other words. So relax!

So if a lover tells you you’re too small, return the favour by suggesting in all sincerity, that they try doing some kegel exercises and stop being an ignorant bitch!

weird letters

a letter from your ______

Dear gorgeous man,
I know you would love to have a letter from anyone but me telling you how sexy your body is when [I watch you][https://youtu.be/OMOGaugKpzs]  dress and undress, bathe or shower, and make love to your partner.  You are so sexy.  You drive me mad with desire. How could I not fall in love with you? How could I not lust for you?
Your body is such a thrill to see.  And I can’t help wanting to be the one who touches you, licks and nibbles all over you.  I want to feel you deep inside me. I can almost feel it when [I touch myself][https://youtu.be/wv-34w8kGPM].
You [drive me crazy][https://youtu.be/0sw54Pdh_m8] . And all I want, all I can think about is being with you.
There has to be a way!
So I’m going to come up with a plan for us to be together. Even if it means getting rid of those who stand between us.
I just know if it was just you and I, we’d have a perfect life together. You’ll see.
Shopping list:  1
ropes, gags, knives, sedative, needles, branding iron
shopping list:  2
 hand gun.
Which list shall I use?  Who shall I take to my cabin in the woods?  And will the person who is buried there, stay buried?
Please be my love. **I’m coming to get you**
Your stalker.
.. . . . .

the last letter (a story)

(when she was going thru her late husband’s effects, she found this letter.)

Dear J,
As long as I can remember, I have been in love with you. From the first time I saw you, till the day one of us dies. And since you’re reading this, that must have been me. For that I’m sorry. I guess I couldn’t keep my promise that I’d never leave you.
I was so proud to be your life partner. You are such an amazing woman. Full of life and love. Such a beautiful caring soul.
You never shamed me as a wife or a mother. You were full of energy and wisdom. And you showed such tenderness and caring.
We were always mad for each other’s bodies. Even after all these years. It embarrassed our kds to know how often we kissed in front of them, how often we showed PDAs. And we smiled and told them some day they’d want to do the same things with their partner.
It was such a joy to be with you, my darling. And I want to set you free now to love another, with the lessons you learned from me and our love.

We’ll be together again soon, my love

(She was bawling her eyes out, in anger, confusion. Her name was Barb, so who the hell was J??)


. . . . .

Dear Sir….
I am a hitman for hire.  I have been given a contract to  kill you by your wife. To prove this to you, I’m going to tell you what your wife had arranged.  It struck me as personal.  Not my usual request. Or methods.
Your wife had arranged for me to have a needle of your insulin brand Humalog Novolog Apidra.  She wanted me to inject you with it and when you had overdosed on it, surround you with your fave candies so it looked like you had gone on a binge.
She said your fave candies are soft peppermint chews, chocolates with pecans in, licorice and raspberry gummies.  You’d know if that’s true.
Since you have caused her such worry in your refusal to cooperate with the doctors’ plan for you and failed to listen to her, she has run out of patience.
This is the wake up call. Your wife is serious. And you now know she is. So either you be a good boy from now on, or I’ll take the contract.
Your potential hitman…
. .  . . .  ..
Dear agony aunt…
  • Dear agony aunt,
  • I’ve been driving myself crazy with all sorts of fantasies I know can never come true. With visions of naked men like they’re sugar plums waiting to be plucked from the tree of life.
  • And wondering why they never ask me out or want to talk past the first few web notes. What shall I do dear auntie???
  • Perplexed and frustrated,
  • Dear Perplexed and frustrated,
  • Either buy a vibrator or get out to some social event you enjoy and find a real one.
  • Auntie!
 . . . . .  . .. .

Dear NASA,

You must believe there is life on other planets, since you spend so much time and money perving the skies and sending rockets full of people to other planets… So  I was wondering if you thought they have sex the same way we do here? Do you have any theories for what they think is “normal”?

Your fellow searcher,

. . . . . .

Dear fellow searcher,

We have yet to have seen sentient life. Trust me, it’d be on the news if we had. So unless you want to talk about microbial asexual function (which somehow I doubt), I’m afraid we have nothing else to offer.  Now,  fellow searcher, you wouldn’t contact NASA for wank fodder, would you?

NASA Researcher

small town gossip (a story)

Small Town Gossip (a story)

Everyone in the village knew her… Or thought they did.
Each day, Josephina made her rounds of the village. Josephina listened carefully. but also recorded the chat. On her phone and on a small recorder in her purse. She only stayed an hour, so she didn’t have to change the tapes till after she left. And each tape change, she wrote down five things she remembered. To cue her memory.

Her stops :

  • the school. She stopped off in the office to see her long term friend, Martha. Just in time for a cup of tea and a chat. Martha always relayed the stuff of her day. The people who stopped by, the kids who were in the office (not just for punishment) and the deliveries.
  • the church. Again, Michaela, the secretary, and she had been friends for years. In fact they went to school together. She was told so many things in confidence. Sure she promised. Noone wuld ever hear it from her lips. She kept that promise till the day she died. She heard who had come in for counselling or had needed the church’s help with bills or groceries. And who needed a hospital or home visit because they were ill.
  • the pub. The manager, Pietr, and she were on a flirt basis. Nothing would ever come of it. They just both enjoyed the reparte. There she found out who was stepping out on their partner; who drank too much; who had lost their license due to DWIs. And who could be counted on to slip her a little pick-me-up.
  • the town store with the postal center. The store owners, Andrea and her husband Stefan, were always ready with her mail and a cup of tea. Andrea enjoyed name-dropping about who was asking for a tab and whose were running long. Whose kids were little thieves and banned from the store. And which kids asked for pocket money for helping Stefan out with cleaning or deliveries. She saw that often they were the same kids, same families from the other stops she made.

So she went home and put together her notes into a story. These families were often mentioned under pseudonyms in her web blog. She was very careful nobody in her town knew she wrote the blog. She would be run out of town on a rail if they knew!
Josephina was excited to see that her blog was growing in popularity.
The town folk were none the wiser.

After Josephina died…
Her husband, Christian, found her stuff on the computer and in her desk. The wife he always thought was such a loyal friend and lovely woman was telling things about town folk to anyone (literally) in the world who would listen.
He didn’t know what to do. But the first thing he did was close the blog down.
What did he want to do? She was dead now. So she couldn’t spread any more tales. It was all about how he wanted her to be remembered now.
Was she a gossipy old biddy, a bitch or a wonderful friend? He knew he had been shocked to the core at her tittering. And from now on, he’d be far more wary when it came to the potential harm of small town gossip.
In the end, Christian decided to burn the notes and tapes. No one else needed to know all he did.
And he left town. He told his friends there that the town had too many memories of his wife for him to stay. And that was true. Just not the way they thought. He would miss their friends, but he could no longer look them in the eye. So he packed up, sold the house and left. Never to return. He was so ashamed. So heart-broken. How could he not have known?
Was his wife ever who he thought she was? Who he had fallen in love with? He’d never know now. Would he?