Pop psych, motivational speakers and life coaches…

Pop psych, motivational speakers and life coaches…

Most of them are people who think they have achieved something and want to share the wealth. Reach a hand back if you will. Which is fine if you want things that are tools to achieve what they achieved. Maybe even similar things.

Some go deeper and look at what kind of person you need to be to get where they are. They don’t really know the human principles, because they haven’t studied any human arts (psych, medicine, sociology etc). So their idea of life advice is almost always deeply about who they are and what they see as common sense. Which might be as far as they, their friends, even their culture might see it. But isn’t often generic. So it’s not likely to suit you. Or fit your circumstance.

Some might be in it for altruistic purposes, but honestly they have given away all other paying gigs and have chosen to do this one thing. They are putting all their eggs into this basket. So they’re not likely to hedge their bets or change their minds to suit your needs. They have at no time tried to understand your needs or wants. They have a formula they work from. And whether or not it will work for you, they must say it will so they can collect their wages. If it failed for you, you weren’t trying hard enough. Do as they say.

And some are bordering on dangerous. Because they haven’t really accomplished anything that will really help you, and probably haven’t used the tools they advocate for themselves either. Their life is a mess and now they’re telling you how to live yours? Hmmm….

And that is just the “professionals”. Those who might at least keep your confidence and learn who you are so they can apply things they know to you. But the amateurs tend to be gossipy old biddies who are trying to get your story, so they can have laugh with their mates.

So I guess you could call this a warning? In the end, you have to live thru whatever it is that you do. So be sure that you seek advice from the right people. Someone who has actually done what they have said and models the steps they advocate within their own lives.

Good luck!

the first puff up (a mystical story)

gibbons mates p02x5cwh

 

The First Puff Up

Lies, secrets, games, charm, seduction, broken promises, jusifications, gaslighting – let’s call it dating 101- bigging yourself up-

Everyone wants to look good to attract their potential mate, right? It’s cool when you think their shit doesn’t stink cuzz you’re all hot for them, that they can’t move wrong. But after they or you leave the relationship, suddenly you have other names for them. not hot or cute or sexy. Heavens no! Now the words you want to use are from the DSM V!

Now he’s more than Mr Big Stuff and he has to be in the wrong. He was a gibbon making noise in tenor or bass and you bought it, till that moment when you just couldn’t anymore. And don’t worry it’s normal, it’s part of the grieving process. We get it, we’ve all done it! Or have we?

Well Sheila sure thought so! And she spread his name like muck! She thought he was cute and shy and all that. Private, and he was only hers to know. Right? She felt special. Till she heard an ex describe him the same as he had finally disclosed to her.

Her eyes bugged out, her ears blew like a steam whistle and she finally iunderstood, it was all a game with him. Might have been fine if she had known The Name of the Game . But now she was out for blood. And he had really done nothing millions of others, even Sheila herself, wouldn’t have done.

He was just puffing himself up. For the mating ritual. To the absolute wrong woman though.

Sheila decided he needed to be taught a lesson. She pulled out her magic incantations book and bought all the items she needed, and her latest BF named Steve, now looked like she had thought him when she ended their relationship. He was a gibbon. With a puffer throat for his lousy false words to grow in. He would never again lie to a woman.

Moral of the story? Thing is, if you’re going to spread muck, be sure your own ass is clean.

birds of a feather (a mythical story)

albatross, grebesBirds of a Feather

J.C and Stacey were that couple. They either cooed at each other or fought. Squabbling was their passtime. There was no substance to anything they did. And they hardly seemed like they had sex either.

They seemed to be really into each other. But you weren’t quite sure why. They didn’t seem to have anything real, or shared. But every five minutes, they took a selfie. Of one of them air smooching the other. It was annoying when you were with them.

Everything else took a back seat to their pictures. They fluffed their hair, checked their makeup (yes I said their. JC was so metrosexual) and Vogued . Which made it hard to have a conversation or an activity that had any meaning.

They wore the latest fashions. No one was quite sure how they managed, since neither was really working at a high end job or anything. Maybe credit cards? Gambling? Day trading? Who knows…

Nobody was sure how they managed to stay together though. Their tiffs seemed like they were end-of-the-world fights. Nobody was quite sure if they’d break out in slaps, scratches or if they’d start a musical. But maybe they stayed together cuzz their selfies always made it onto the leaderboard of any website they were on. If only they could make that a career. 😛

Finally the day came (and noone was really sad about it, trust me) when they arrived at the pearly gates and were judged. Asked if they had given time or money to charity, they said no. Asked if they had worked for people or pet to make their lives better, they said no. Asked if they had loved or trusted others, they said no. Asked if they had been loyal to spouse, friend or lover, they said no.

St Peter looked their lives over and finally came to a decision… He sent them back to live another life. But not as a person. He sent them back as birds.

It just seemed like the right fit somehow.

 

 

 

Everything for Love (a mystic story)

Everything for Love

It was like going to a nude beach or being a doctor who sees people’s genitals all day everyday, then has no interest when someone flashes theirs at home. I mean it’s hardly sexy when that is work. When you’re inundated with flesh.

And that is what Inid felt when she looked at the humans. Here was another one. Ho hum! She didn’t remember ever feeling that spark of interest.

Until she saw him. The parts that bored her otherwise were now in the right place and time. In just the right mood. And her jaw dropped, her palms began to sweat and drool formed in her mouth. She was in lust with Angwyn the second she laid eyes on him!

It wasn’t that he was handsome like Adonis. But he just oozed sex appreal. He moved like a jungle cat. He was alert, and high voltage. He noticed everything. And he smiled gently at others, and grinned at their mischief. Everything seemed to catch his humour. Inid liked that! A lot!

So she followed Angwyn around like a puppy dog. Watching and watching as he had bright conversations, and tender moments. And fell in love with him.

So she showed herself in his dreams, and he seemed to like her as well. But he saw her as imaginary, so his feelings never attached to her. It wasn’t a pop song after all.

Inid knew the only way she’d ever get him to fall for her was to be real. Human.

So she went off for a bit to think about whether she was willing to give up her powers, her friends, everything to be with him.

Call her an idiot or say this is romance, therefore she must choose love. It’s never that easy when it’s you. Because much as love may be a treaure, it more often burns or fizzles out than lasts from meeting to death and beyond.

But fool as she felt, Inid chose Angwyn. She stripped her powers and went to him as a human woman. Praying he’d fall for her. Holding her breath…

And sick as it made her to trust in love, she left the choice up to him.

Much as she wanted to blame him, she couldn’t. Whatever the reason, Angwyn wasn’t ready to fall for her. He was ready for sex though.

Inid felt her heart shrink and her powers beg for her to take them back, and forget him. But there is no fool like a fool in love. She gave him her all for what little he would return. And then walked away heartbroken.

Ready to be angry, but all she felt was sad. Hurt. Angwyn had no clue what he had just turned down.

And Inid swore he never would.

Bean Counter (a story)

Bean Counter

He was the typical picture of a bean counter to her. Randy wore a cardigan, a bow tie, suspenders, and a button up shirt. His trousers were just a bit short. And his glasses were the old school black frames. You’d swear I was talking about Erkel . Pretty close, yeah. But Randy wasn’t fictional to Kate. He was standing right before her now.

He was a man who needed a makeover. Kate was itching to take him in hand. Find a suit that’d make him look better. More like Stefan, than Steve. But Randy kept refusing to go with her to the mall. So either she fell in love wih this nerd who quoted Pythagorian theorems and the pi charts. Or she had to walk away from him. She wasn’t into nerds.

But he was so sweet and he deserved to be loved. Just not by her, unless he allowed the makeover.

So Kate decided to show Randy what could be done. And got one of those programs that revises your looks before your eyes. Gives you a before and after shot. She thought he might respect the tech aspects of the project.

And he did! He started talking about coding, like she might actually understand. She would have laughed, but he would have been hurt. She was more the artsy, hippie child. Not a geek or nerd. She could tell you within three bars what the song and artist were. Often without hearing the artist’s voice. It was a cool party trick.

Randy’s skills actually got him a job as a statistician for a major research company. Before you swear, there really are things that statistics are good for. I mean a lot of fields use them, right? But you don’t count heads when you see the numbers added together. As long as you remember that, statistics are useful.

But back to Randy and Kate…

He wasn’t convinced that he needed to change his look. A lot of friends of his looked similar to him and he wasn’t sure he wanted to change his look for the famtasy woman Kate was trying to assure him existed, just for him.

Finally she wore him down though.

Kate took him to a high end men’s shop.

Randy was turned, measured, again and again. The fabrics were laid across his chest and shoulder. One of the assistants ran across the hall of the mall and got a pair of frames so Randy could see how he would look with them on, instead of his thick black ones.

Finally they got his look together and he stood before Kate as a new man. Kate’s knees went a bit wobbly.

Was there a female Pygmalian? Randy was now someone she could totally crush on. And she knew she had done the right thing by him when other women were looking at him as well. One unobtrusively gave him her card.

What she thought would convince him did not though. He put his nerd clothes back on before they left the store. And the clothes she thought should be his were left behind.

So Kate had to ask herself now… Would her memory of him as Stefan be enough? Or did she have to leave Randy behind?

Anatomy- Sexual arousal during rape or sexual assault

Anatomy- Sexual arousal during rape or sexual assault

(gender inclusive)

I’ve seen quite a few comments on threads about rape and sexual assault in which the arousal of the victim is discussed as a reason to believe that the person wasn’t misused. That they “enjoyed” the assault because they were aroused. It leads me to believe they need a brushup on their anatomy.

It’s also used against men who come forward to say they were used by a woman and some people can’t imagine how a woman could rape a man. If he had a hard-on, was he raped? Yes he was.If he didn’t consent!

So how does this happen? Because our bodies are designed to be aroused by stimulation. Esp when we’re pubescent, during our monthly hormonal flux and in peri-menopause. Then our skin is hypersensitive and our clothes can get us half way there. It’s as easy as breathing.

It’s far more likely we’ll be aroused than not. Because someone is rubbing our last nerve.

It has next to nothing to do with whether we want sex with this person or not. Now or not. So try to be more sensitive.

resources

nerve bundles outside the body that are hypersensitive

perineum

info

clitoris

info

major groin nerves –

lead from spine to thigh/foot

ilioinguinal
genitofemoral

and femoral

skin

dermis
full of nerve endings that react to heat, pleasure, pain…

emotions –

fear, shame, anger
associations, dis/inhibitions, relationship

drugs, alcohol

risky behaviour

Aggression

Aggression

Which came first- the chicken or the egg?

So many people and theorists discuss anger, aggression, violence and rage. And we have theories as a result that include a lot of factors that explain why this person in front of you is angry + and you are reacting to them as you are.

Everything from nature, to nurture. Psychological to social. * Is it because they’re poor/rich?

  • Or young and haven’t learned their coping skills for their moods yet?
  • Is it because they watched too many FPS games?
  • Or played contact sports?
  • Did they seek out those activities because they were angry? Or did the activities teach them how to be?
  • Was it due to the drugs or alcohol they took?
  • Or a poor diet?
  • Did they have a seizure of some form?

TBH, there is no one golden answer as yet. There is a “suite” of possible things that can influence how you think, feel, act and how responsible you are for your own behaviour. Which is why it takes a forensic psychiatrist to determine how “sane” you are when you get arrested under the mental health act or the criminal code. To answer the question of why you specifically are angry and what you are likely to do with that anger. How safe are you to be around and to roam free?

But at least we have defined the words a bit better. So you can at least be angry without feeling like you’re about to get arrested. Because there is a difference between feeling, thinking something and doing something about it. And an even larger leap before your feeling or thought causes harm.

….resources

humankinetics

anger, aggression and violence are different things

rages/IED

the warrior gene
identical twin studies
Aggression can be inherited from parents.

neurotransmitters and aggression

Independently scored history of aggressive behavior showed a significant negative correlation with 5HIAA (r = -0.78) and a significant positive correlation with MHPG (r = 0.64).

pre-frontal cortex, amygdala
serotonin
partial seizures

….

psychologynotes

There are different factors that trigger our aggressive behaviours.

Biological factors
Genetic influences

Twin studies who that genes influence aggression in human. If one identical twin admits to being aggressive, the other twin often admits the same. Researchers are working on finding the “violent” gene.

Neural influences

The frontal lobe in our brain can inhibit aggression. People with damaged frontal lobe often have difficulty controlling their aggressive behaviours.

Biochemical influences

Hormones, drugs and alcohols affect the neural system’s ability to control aggression.

Psychological factors
Undesirable events and stimuli

The frustration-aggression principle suggests that suffering and the ability to reach our goals increase our readiness to aggress. Studies also show that undesirable stimuli such as hot temperatures, crowded space, long lineups, physical pain, etc, also evoke aggression.

Social and cultural factors

We are more likely to react aggressively if experience has showed us that aggression will get us what we want. For example, children who were able to get what they wanted by acting aggressively may become more aggressive (bully).

Rejection can also trigger aggression. Studies by Jean Twenge had shown that people who were led to feel socially excluded were more likely to act aggressively towards the “in crowd”. For example, school shootings were often committed by students who were rejected by others.

The social learning theory suggests that people learn by observation. Children with aggressive parents are more likely to act aggressively.

Different types of aggression
There are basically 2 types of aggression:

Active aggression

Physical aggression

A physically aggressive person uses weapons or bare hands to harm another person physically. This person may punch another person in the face or cut someone with a knife.

Verbal aggression

A verbally aggressive person humiliates other people verbally. Examples: yelling at other people using foul language, name calling, etc.

Passive aggression

Gestural aggression

These people show their aggression using body language such as staring at the targeted person, punching fist against their own hand while looking at the person, lip movements, etc.

Ignore or avoidance

Some people choose to give another person the “silent treatment”. They do not acknowledge the presence of the other person. Believe it or not, this is also considered a type of aggressive behaviour.

….

ncbi

two forms of aggression –
The first form is called “affective,” “reactive,” “defensive,” “impulsive,” or “hot-blooded” aggression. This type of aggression is defined as a violent response to physical or verbal aggression initiated by others that is relatively uncontrolled and emotionally charged. In contrast, the second form of aggression is referred to as “predatory,” “instrumental,” “proactive,” or “cold-blooded” aggression. This type of aggression is characterized as controlled, purposeful aggression lacking in emotion that is used to achieve a desired goal, including the domination and control of others

sciencedaily

The amygdala has been shown to be an area that causes aggression.

Stimulation of the amygdala results in augmented aggressive behavior, while lesions of this area greatly reduce one’s competitive drive and aggression.

Another area, the hypothalamus, is believed to serve a regulatory role in aggression.

The hypothalamus has been shown to cause aggressive behavior when electrically stimulated but more importantly has receptors that help determine aggression levels based on their interactions with the neurotransmitters serotonin and vasopressin.

brainfacts

When most people think of aggression, they think of road rage, physical fights, and violent crime. However, not all aggression is bad. Aggression is adaptive, helping people and animals alike to guard their homes from intruders and protect their children from threats. Problems arise when aggression is taken too far, escalating abnormally and becoming violent.

ncbi

The three aggression types comprised reactive-expressive (i.e., verbal and physical aggression), reactive-inexpressive (e.g., hostility), and proactive-relational aggression (i.e., aggression that can break human relationships, for instance, by circulating malicious rumours).

Albert Bandura- children act out what they see

I hear wings (a story)

I Hear Wings

There is a flapping of wings, coming toward me. I don’t know where they come from or where they will return to when their task is done.
I don’t know if their purpose is good or evil. If they mean me healing or harm.
I don’t know if I will hear truth or lies. If I will be met with love and mercy or condemnation and shame.
I just know that I prayed and now I Hear Wings
I can feel the fear rising like gorge in my throat, My chest grows tighter as the wings get closer to me. My air is cut off and I can feel the blood leaving my face. My knees are weak and I feel myself falling down.
I Hear Wings and just as I lose hold of my grip on sanity and even life itself, I see the eyes of an angel. And I feel rejuvenated. I am alive again.
I hear the call. The voice inside my soul. And pause long enough to know if they look at me with love or hate.
Then I remember, whether angel or demon, they had their favourites.
So I listen beyond their wings for the voice of God. I listen beyond the wings for my purpose.
And what did I hear? A peace that warmed my soul.

Restless Feet (a story)

Restless Feet

Stella was always looking around the next corner, at the neighbour’s lawn instead of her own. She’d peek thru the door at someone else’s temple, and bury her nose in someone else’s holy book. Looking for the meaning of life and love. Always coming away dissatisfied.

She’d borrow your baby and happily give it back. She’d flirt with your husband then wonder why you were mad. She always rented, only for the short term. Because by the end of a lease, she’d be ready to burn the building to the ground. She was so bored.

Her jobs came from temporary offices. No contracts, no schooling. Just enough to keep body and soul together. Till she was ready to go again.

She was kind and funny and a charm to be around, till you tried to hang on too tight. Then she was off and running again. Just far enough to feel free, but not far enough for a new destiny.

Stella’s parents were distraught, her siblings bored with her getting the fatted calf. Seems the visitor was more important than the one who stayed.

She loved to dance, she was good till 2nd base. But she took no chances past that. No man would trap her destiny, her fate. There’d be no infants on her apron strings. Men left her, wanting more. Feeling like their gifts were a waste of time and money. They hadn’t really gotten anything. Wondering if she was a tease. But she hadn’t promised them anything. So how could they be mad?

Stella couldn’t sit still for long enough in her own temple or library to read a book, to dream of love. She was always chasing the next string.

Till the day the three white robed ladies cut her string. They left her running in the fields Elysian.

I blame Harlequin, Disney and now 50 Shades

I blame Harlequin, Disney and now 50 Shades

I want romancing from a guy 24/7! Someone who can keep me in the style I’ve always dreamed of. Silk, linen, wool in high thread counts barely floating over my skin. Feeling more like clouds than fabric. Choos on my feet every day and gold and silver around my wrists and ankles (while i still have them!)

I want him to pamper me with all my fave things, none of this bossing and beating crap though! Unless turnabout is fair play?

Someone who wants to hear my voice, rather than feel my teeth as he tries to fill my stomach with his jizz. I bite! j/s

Sighs.. what is it about billionaires that grabs us so?? Even if he is a beast!

I’m going to build my Pinterest wall of the best of the best, and forget that stupid dude!

Or is that me just being a dommie again? Oh dear! Not even for a billion huh? I cannot imagine finding my subbie inside for all the silk in China, linen in Egypt… or anything Choo ever designs.

Woe is me I say!