a victim/survivor’s journey

Going thru something that shocking, traumatic, life changing takes time just to process your emotions.
You were in danger, you were held against your will and things were done that you didn’t agree to, so you felt unsafe. Your life might have been in danger. you might have been clinically dead, till you were resuscitated. You might need multiple surgeries. You might be in pain everyday.
And that is just the day it happened. You might also face emotional issues long afterward that lead you to things like PTSD if you were afraid they would kill you or other trauma/rape syndromes. I know i have a thing where at the anniversary of the events, I have nightmares and can’t sleep in a dark room. I get stress migraines from the emotions and interrupted sleep. And that is fairly mild from what I know. I’m really cautious about what i let in during that period, just to protect myself.

Then there are a few factors to consider in how quickly you would recover and how often you would have to engage with the memories of that day again:

most people who are victims of violence knew their offender.

It might affect your schooling or job as well. Your income might change, your dreams might be shattered and you might have to re-invent yourself in a way you never would have or wanted to.
They are related to them or in a relationship. They have not only that person, but also their group members who decide to intercede to “heal” the breach, to pacify the issue so everyone else feels comfortable. Call it enabling or whatever. They come to you and discuss how you were in the wrong, how the other person has had a sad life or they were using and out of control but it’s not really “them”. That this person wants to get “over it”. And “it’s time”. So the family can heal. You may have to see the person who hurt you over and over. At family events, at custodial exchanges, in passing at the supermarket or bank if they live near you. Which can lead to you feeling unsaFe. To the point of agoraphobia.
Esp if they are also stalking you.
Which often happens after a violent event. They want the relationship they had with you back and you don’t. But being the aggressive person they are, they dont take no for an answer. Even with a restraining orders in place. The only way to avoid all of this dynamiic change is to divorce not only the person who did this violence to you, but everyone you both know and love(d).
Which is what I ended up doing. So there are days when I remember who I lost as a result of this one person who couldn’t manage themselves. People and memories were wrecked forever. And i’m not sure that is something you ever “get over” Your concept of holidays and birthdays changes forever. You miss those you want to celebrate with. You might chose to “forget” the holiday or day but you can’t.

And that is just the social element.

if you are injured:

You have to go to medical appts. See doctors and therapists (PT, OT, take meds…) People who would never have been in your life otherwise. Who have to discuss that intimate event and your recovery E.V.E.R.Y.T.I.M.E. you walk into their office. How long does that take? Depends how injured you were? If you’re on long term meds, how many side effects and med changes you have, how many supervising blood tests you have? How many supervising imaging tests you have? And you don’t really discuss anything but that event and your recovery. Ok, maybe the weather and traffic? The point is you’re always reminded of that day, that person, that event.

if you go to court

HR hearings/job
custody/family court
dean’s office/school

criminal court

And that takes time for all the hearings before the trial, the questioning of the police, the lawyers, the judge, the evaluations you might have to endure for the court. Which take years! It’s like a “hurry up and wait warp” Time in between the event and the end of the trial and the decision, then do you need to appeal or cut bait? Depends on what you stand to lose if you allow the status quo. Which in this situation might be the custody of your kids to the person who hurt you and their supportive group. Which means your kid gets fed their narrative. Which alienates them from you. When you are the one who was injured.


speedy trial
R. v. Jordan

So it’s not like something happened one day, you bruised your knee got up and walked away. Never to fall again.
Because you start noticing people around you who push your limits and you may very well be offended against again. And again.

So really, having been a victim, it might take years to recover. Years to get thru the process.
Whether or not you want to “get over it”.

It’s rarely in your control.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s