tiers of consent – Affirmative

Tiers of Consent – Affirmative Consent.

There seems to be some difficulty. Some misunderstanding in what is tolerated as typical interactions. So I thought I would state what I presume. It is somewhat open to discussion (?). Presuming you show respect.

Social Engagement
I presume:

  • that when someone is introduced to me, they might want to shake my hand and probably won’t ask. I can refuse to put forward my hand for them to take, and politely say “I’d prefer not to thx.” My reasoning might be cultural or anxiety. I might have a cold or flu and not want to make you ill. I might have a skin condition I don’t want to pass along. But whatever my reasoning, I said no, clearly and it wasn’t up for discussion. Vanilla or kink setting.
  • that when I engage with people in a crowd, I might get brushed up against. But I hardly think that gives you consent to engage in frotteurism. If you have a hard-on (clit or penis), perhaps you need to excuse yourself and take care of that. Away from the crowd.

There is no presumption that just because I’m there, you have a right to touch me. Most crowd touches would be to lead you thru the masses or to introduce oneself. And really, that’s it. That is the only standing ground you have, as a crowd member with me.

Affection or Reassurance
I presume:

  • that you mean a pat on the shoulder, or even a hand there for a minute. Or perhaps a pat on the upper back.
  • that you mean holding my hand or forearm, while we chat.
  • that you mean a hug. Not prolonged holding me close, unless we’re lovers. But quick. Catch and release.

{There is no presumption that it will continue or having occurred once, you can continue at will. also true for intimacy and sexuality (see below)
And it presumes some level of relationship to go for a hug. (Exception might bewhen the ball drops at NYE parties). A friendship minimum.}

I presume:

  • kiss

I presume that means to most people a peck on the cheek or the closed lips. Unless you are a current partner/lover. It does not mean going in for that type and advancing without permission. If you are not a current lover, you are on restrictions. Pecks only! No tongue! No open mouth!

  • that there is a relationship
  • (see hugs in affection or reassurance)

I presume:

  • that we have agreed to be lovers. When we are standing clothed. And both having a full right to say no. With no being a full sentence. No coercion, or pressure to concede. And no hard feelings or whining when no is said. No is a full sentence again. It requires no explanation. And really only needs to be said ONCE!!
  • that it is negotiated which orifice will be used and it is restricted to that orifice. (ie if you agree to oral sex, all you try for is oral sex, and all you get is oral sex)

how does kink change these?
It doesn’t.
I presume:

  • that being in a state of deshabille or restricted by rope does not reduce in any way my autonomy
  • that neither does me IDing as a bottom, masochist or a submissive.
  • that just because you see me with someone else, it now gives you rights

must I ask permission at an orgy?

must i ask permission at a play party?

And that folks is affirmative consent. It’s really not that hard, is it?


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