Looking at the gestalt of BDSM.
- the first rule of dominance is to control yourself. Which means IMO that it is important to know what emotional state you are in. Before you approach relationships or pick up play. If you are angry or disappointed for eg, you might want to meditate. Your emotional state is not about the sub standing before you. They are not at fault ever for your lack of control. You are!
- BDSM is about a relationship: with a person of emotions, intelligence, and spirituality as well as the sexual and physical aspects of play. If you don’t even like this person as they stand before you, why are you playing with them?
- The core point of BDSM is self growth. Which to me means that you have to be learning and progressing yourself. As well as helping/leading/ guiding/supporting your sub in their goals for themselves and the relationship. Stagnance is the enemy. A positive frame is key when you lead.
- Nothing gets done overnight. It’s a journey of 1000 steps. A dance of timing, rhythm and caring. Where you cooperate with your partner and protect yourself and them.
- Be sure you have their informed consent for what you want to do. Not only the activity, but also the impact the activity will have on them. If you and they agree something can be engaged in, fine. But if for example the person has a history of abuse, or is at a vulnerable space in their life, things have a bigger impact on their self esteem. eg. Calling one sub a slut might strike them as funny or cute, but might destroy another’s soul. You have to know that.
- Go in steps! It’s not likely ever to be good to go from zero to hero. Break things down into pieces so you know how they and you cope and work together. How you interact with each other. Before you put the whole thing together and do the lot.
- The dynamics come in different forms, so don’t presume yours is the be-all and end-all of them. They can be varied by gender, sexual ID, who is the dom and who is the sub. Power shifts, given those variances. For eg, when the dom is male, there is an assumption that the dom is safe, physically and sexually, when the sub is female. This isn’t always the case. What you advise them may not keep them safe.
- It takes two (minimum) to build a relationship. It takes both of your commitment and effort. That changes/fluxes so there are times when it feels like one carries more weight than the other. As long as you are committed to doing the work together, and protecting your relationship as if it’s another being, you should be fine.
- I know you want to fight the vanilla, but it’s still relevant to your relationship. And you still may have to deal with vanilla in the larger world. Plus things like going out to dinner, dancing, a movie, build the romance you might need when your sexual energy is low. And to keep things varied. Even a sense of humour might be critical when stuff happens in the D/s aspects of your life. so don’t let go of that.
- Don’t make the other person into a mythical being. Yes you love, like and lust for them. But under all that glow is a person who will fail and disappoint you. They will cause you pain. They will bore you! There will be slumps. Be in it to win it. Or be just play partners.