weird letters

a letter from your ______

Dear gorgeous man,
I know you would love to have a letter from anyone but me telling you how sexy your body is when [I watch you][]  dress and undress, bathe or shower, and make love to your partner.  You are so sexy.  You drive me mad with desire. How could I not fall in love with you? How could I not lust for you?
Your body is such a thrill to see.  And I can’t help wanting to be the one who touches you, licks and nibbles all over you.  I want to feel you deep inside me. I can almost feel it when [I touch myself][].
You [drive me crazy][] . And all I want, all I can think about is being with you.
There has to be a way!
So I’m going to come up with a plan for us to be together. Even if it means getting rid of those who stand between us.
I just know if it was just you and I, we’d have a perfect life together. You’ll see.
Shopping list:  1
ropes, gags, knives, sedative, needles, branding iron
shopping list:  2
 hand gun.
Which list shall I use?  Who shall I take to my cabin in the woods?  And will the person who is buried there, stay buried?
Please be my love. **I’m coming to get you**
Your stalker.
.. . . . .

the last letter (a story)

(when she was going thru her late husband’s effects, she found this letter.)

Dear J,
As long as I can remember, I have been in love with you. From the first time I saw you, till the day one of us dies. And since you’re reading this, that must have been me. For that I’m sorry. I guess I couldn’t keep my promise that I’d never leave you.
I was so proud to be your life partner. You are such an amazing woman. Full of life and love. Such a beautiful caring soul.
You never shamed me as a wife or a mother. You were full of energy and wisdom. And you showed such tenderness and caring.
We were always mad for each other’s bodies. Even after all these years. It embarrassed our kds to know how often we kissed in front of them, how often we showed PDAs. And we smiled and told them some day they’d want to do the same things with their partner.
It was such a joy to be with you, my darling. And I want to set you free now to love another, with the lessons you learned from me and our love.

We’ll be together again soon, my love

(She was bawling her eyes out, in anger, confusion. Her name was Barb, so who the hell was J??)


. . . . .

Dear Sir….
I am a hitman for hire.  I have been given a contract to  kill you by your wife. To prove this to you, I’m going to tell you what your wife had arranged.  It struck me as personal.  Not my usual request. Or methods.
Your wife had arranged for me to have a needle of your insulin brand Humalog Novolog Apidra.  She wanted me to inject you with it and when you had overdosed on it, surround you with your fave candies so it looked like you had gone on a binge.
She said your fave candies are soft peppermint chews, chocolates with pecans in, licorice and raspberry gummies.  You’d know if that’s true.
Since you have caused her such worry in your refusal to cooperate with the doctors’ plan for you and failed to listen to her, she has run out of patience.
This is the wake up call. Your wife is serious. And you now know she is. So either you be a good boy from now on, or I’ll take the contract.
Your potential hitman…
. .  . . .  ..
Dear agony aunt…
  • Dear agony aunt,
  • I’ve been driving myself crazy with all sorts of fantasies I know can never come true. With visions of naked men like they’re sugar plums waiting to be plucked from the tree of life.
  • And wondering why they never ask me out or want to talk past the first few web notes. What shall I do dear auntie???
  • Perplexed and frustrated,
  • Dear Perplexed and frustrated,
  • Either buy a vibrator or get out to some social event you enjoy and find a real one.
  • Auntie!
 . . . . .  . .. .

Dear NASA,

You must believe there is life on other planets, since you spend so much time and money perving the skies and sending rockets full of people to other planets… So  I was wondering if you thought they have sex the same way we do here? Do you have any theories for what they think is “normal”?

Your fellow searcher,

. . . . . .

Dear fellow searcher,

We have yet to have seen sentient life. Trust me, it’d be on the news if we had. So unless you want to talk about microbial asexual function (which somehow I doubt), I’m afraid we have nothing else to offer.  Now,  fellow searcher, you wouldn’t contact NASA for wank fodder, would you?

NASA Researcher


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