Whatever the relationship, the beginning of it is full of hope, romance and people on their best behaviour. So it’s sexy, exciting and fresh. What more could you ask for? Your day and night are full of passion and you are sharing your stories; getting to know each other; laughing at each other’s jokes. And you haven’t heard them all a kagillion times (would you just stfu already about that time you…!!)
There’s no history and standing feuds between you, which has good and bad to it. The bad of history is that you know each other and can get bored. And you have no more mystery. Or so it seems. You are a hunter, an animal and the last thing you want is a relationship where there’s no more chase to it. The good of history is you know you have the strength to get thru stuff, together. Because you have.
This person you are now exploring may indeed have all the same bits and bobs your past and current partners have. But they might wear a different perfume or have a different fave colour. Or their skin is more mocha than peaches and cream. Maybe their hair is short, or brown rather than blond like your current partner. Just enough that you see someone new.
And you get to explore different things, be a different person when you are with them. Reinvent yourself and your relationships. Wear different clothes, get a new hair cut, lose weight,… That’s often how a partner knows their SO is cheating. Because their partner has changed recently. They have a new dynamic to test out, to bounce off. And they change. Which can be enormously annoying to their old partner, esp if they had been asking for changes that the new lover is getting just by being new. And they sit, remembering all the fights they had and the adament sameness. And now they resent the changes they had asked for, because it wasn’t done for them.
As they change, there is a push back from those already in their life, who want this person they’ve known awhile to stay the same. Even if it is boring, even if it was a change they wanted, now it’s safe and trustworthy. But their partner wants new. Or at least some of them do.
And isn’t new exciting?
And isn’t current trusted and true?
Which do you want?
If the dynamic is one of open relationship, or poly, the new relationship often takes precedence over the old. That’s where the passion, exploration and interest lie. And each feels a bit selfish. The partner who wants a new relationship and the one who is pushing back because they feel left out. And the new one who feels unsure where they fit into things. How friendly should they be with their lover’s other? How much affection should they show to their new lover in front of them? Only variable by whether or not the three are all lovers, or one is left out. But still, they stack toward the new lovers being drawn to exploring, which leaves the known lover feeling left out. And much as you might be attracted to both genders (if there is that inclination?), don’t you have fluxes in when you are more one than the other? (So friends tell me anyway) Are they alligned to what you need now?
Bottomline, one feels they get less and need reassurance. even if they are all lovers. And that changes over and over again. Which causes hurt feelings too.
So there is conflict. There are hurt feelings, and sometimes you aren’t sure now is the best time to have a new or old relationship. And you have to figure out which relationship is your priority. How many people will be affected by the choices you make and the conflict?
At this point, the new car smell is mixed with salt for tears; upset tummies from anxiety and maybe puke in the back seat; and the eau de conflict in your memory banks. Will the relationships (any of them) withstand this trial? Do you want them to? (Cuzz puke is gross, j/s!)
If you had a do-over, would you choose to go over to the new lover’s house? Would you wrap up the old first? Or is it the people who are wrong for this attempt? Maybe having more than two just isn’t possible with these people.
I know some people want to portray this all as an exciting thing, but dependant on self esteem, respect and trust, there are going to be at least moments of hell in the honeymoon. There have to be. After all, it’s at times of transition that more addictions, abuse and murder take place in a relationship.
So how do you safeguard yourself during a moment of what should be just fun and exciting? How do you protect those in your charge?
Or do you just push thru, hoping that the people you are surrounded by are worth being with at all? And go till there’s a scorched earth that you cannot come back from?
Well you could just play “let’s pretend” and buy a deodorizer that smells like the new car smell you were going for and pray that everything works out, instead of working for it. Or instead of trying anything, just buy the deodorizer and to heck with any relationships. After all they all have risks, right? Let’s just dream instead of loving anyone.