the forensic chair

  • OMG she was a stunning woman! As soon as he saw her, he had a crush on her. He was eager to please and thrilled he got this time with her. But it didn’t take long before he started to notice something. Either she was really thorough, or she was going above and beyond. He doubted he’d ever know…
  • First she did a physical work up. She had blood drawn; took his vitals; palpitated his chest and belly; then did a genital and prostate exam. Ok that gets done at any doc’s office. He got that, but geesh she spent a long time at it. He had to grab his crotch a couple times so he didn’t blow!
  • Finally she sent him to imaging for a PET scan of his brain. Much as he hated that, he wasn’t thrilled about going back to her. What would she do next?
  • (NEEDLE #1 – Methamphetamine – patient edgy, fidgety and complained of being hot)
  • Ok not so bad, she wanted to do the psych inventories and cognitive tests. How could this go wrong?
  • Halstead–Reitan Neuropsychological Battery
  • Delis–Kaplan Executive Function System
  • the WAIS-4 (Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale, 4th edition)
  • Vineland Adaptive Behavior Scale (VABS-2), Adaptive Behavior Assessment System (ABAS-2) or Scales of Independent Behavior (SIB-R)
  • the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory II (MMPI-II), the Personality Assessment Inventory (PAI) and the Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory III (MCMI-III)
  • .(NEEDLE #2 – hydromorphone – patient complains of seeing things, spinning, patient is shivering and asks for a blanket)
  • The neuropsychiatric mental status examination; pay attention to motor skills:posture, gait, and movement of limbs, trunk, and face (spontaneous, resting, and after instruction)
  • How could it go wrong?? The questions got really, really invasive. Last time he took a crap; how he slept; how often he masturbated; what his sex fantasies were; how many partners he had had… And she was flirting with him between the questions? Well, he had no doubt he was good looking. He did have women hitting on him quite often… FINALLY he was allowed to take a smoke break 😛
  • (NEEDLE #3 – Propofol – patient complains of burning and gets agitated with observer, gives ladicaine dose)
  • I was getting really upset with her, but she was patience personified with me. So I calmed down fairly quickly, for me I mean. I continued to comply. Was it my crush or the white coat syndrome? I’ll probably never know that either.
  • Next, she hooked me up to leads to monitor my BP and respiration. She also put some kind of cock ring and sleeve on my penis. I looked at her oddly and she said it was called a Penile Plethysmography test. Um ok it has a Latin name? It must be part of the testing?
  • I was made to watch all kinds of movies in my underwear. In a cold, metal chair. Barely cushioned. I was uncomfortable and jittery.
  • The movies were of all the illegal sex things everyone tells you you shouldn’t do, right? But the chair was buzzing; there was a hot woman leaning over me; did I mention her sexy perfume?; I swear I saw her lacy bra; and she kept touching me whenever she was close enough to… Yeah let’s just say I was primed and leave it at that. Not that I was into the pictures. 😛 She also has a really sexy voice and was asking me all kinds of questions about my sexual history and fantasies again. She said it was from The Abel Assessment for Sexual Interest . Um ok? But finally it was done. I held it together. Whew!
  • (NEEDLE #4 – methylprednisolone – patient complains of “pins and needles” sensation and is hyper-alert )
  • I was allowed to get dressed and we did what she called an outtake interview. She asked if I was ok and gave me a nice soothing cup of herbal tea. I was sent back to my room. No great surprise, I had to whack off. OMG is that really how they do these things??
  • (-OBSERVATION- Patient is alert, aware, compliant and answered test questions cooperatively, despite distractive techniques. Patient’s eyes are alert, gait is normal. Unlikely to be brain impaired. Test results, pending.)

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