Sent: Sunday, February 14, 2016 at 3:11 PM
Subject: how to tell if your SO is abusive
HOW TO TELL IF YOUR BF/GF/SPOUSE IS ABUSIVE
by MsPeachieRocks almost 2 years ago
There are stages in any relationship. Sometimes they happen one by one, sometimes they pile up on each other, depending how fast they go.
1) the honeymoon stage- This should be a getting to know you phase where you are full of romance and sharing stories about/with each other. Where you are connecting on every level and it’s hot sexy flirty and fun. You BOTH get your needs met. You BOTH are heard.
2) the negotiating phase – where you start to realize there are cautions in the road and you have to figure out a way to work through them. You each bring baggage to the table and have to sort through it. Determine how your past must be sorted so you don’t bump on each others’ bruises. You BOTH feel self protective and want to be understood.
3) Out to the world – You start to tell people about your new relationship and make introductions. You start to realize your SO doesn’t get along with everyone you do and does get along with people you don’t. You have to figure out a way to tolerate that.
4) Time for us – You start to let the world in and suddenly you have to prioritize where your time and attention go and the affect on the relationship. You have to understand why your SO is making the choices they are and justify your choices too. You have to ask if they are thinking of how you will grow as individuals and as a couple when they make their choices.
5) Our rituals – You settle into schedules and start to understand each others’ comfort zones and levels. You plan events and holidays. How much are your needs and wants looked out for and protected? It’s about here when you start to see if your SO has controlling ways.
a) do you pick out your own clothes?
b) do you have control of your own money?
c) do you pick your own friends? How often can you see them, talk to them and your family?
d) who makes the decisions?
e) who does the chores?
f) can you voice your own opinion and have it respected?
g) is your SO jealous, with or without cause?
H) do you feel heard by your SO? When you talk do they listen, remember, and not use it against you?
6) But every couple… – every couple fights, disagrees, has troubles. Yes, agreed. But not every couple wears bruises or is terrified of their SO and wanders around on tiptoes. Not every couple gets blamed for their SO’s drunkenness or gambling etc. Not every couple gets told they won’t make it out of the relationship alive. Or has to visit a doctor for this "argument" or that one. Not every one has a scar for most of their fights that a diagnostic test can see (medical imaging)
7) how is this different from a BDSM relationship? In and of itself, it’s not. The only difference is in BDSM both partners agreed this was the definition or contract of their relationship. In an abusive one, one party did not. CONSENT IS KEY HERE FOLKS!!
8) In an equal relationship, both parties grow, learn, evolve. In an abusive one, one partner starts and cringes, and hovers to be sure they meet all their SO’s needs. One partner has a child-like role. They become the emotional barometer of the house. While the abuser gets served.
9) In even the worst abusive relationships, there are honeymoons and these can fool even the parties involved into believing all is well. Or mostly good. It can also make the abused one feel they screwed up, it’s their fault, If only they hadn’t… then they would be safe(r). It can make them defend and protect their SO. EVen if it means they will die.
10) If the authorities are involved, if the couple separates, if they are in therapy, the abused still defends their SO and may return, in fact often do. Many get killed after they leave. Because they convince themselves that just one more time seeing them… or he/she has changed…
How do I know? I survived but barely.