Sent: Thursday, November 26, 2015 at 7:25 AM
Subject: it’s all in the mesh, the dance, the two of you.
Lately the reading I’ve been doing here has left me disturbed like people are missing an element to their understanding of things. So I thought I’d take us on a deeper trip than just the bdsm or kink aspects of a relationship, to the basic vanilla relationship ones.
People as individuals are mixed up creatures . At times moody, at times angry, at times sad or afraid. Sometimes they get what is going on around them and others they don’t. Some people find relationships easy and others look at people like they are aliens. Even the best professionals in the world can’t claim to understand people. Even long married, happy couples don’t always get their partner.
BUUUUT there are common elements we DO KNOW:
Memories factor into your relationship and sexual experiences. Whatever is at the top of the menu today is what will affect you and your partner. For good or for bad. It’s like a box of granola. Some mixes give you more raisins, some more peanuts and some more cereal. So you get more vitamin C, or fat and protein, or starch and Vitamin B. It’s not that they aren’t the same person, it’s just that they can’t be asked to act, feel or think the exact same way every minute of every day.
If your partner has a mental health issue(s) and/or addiction(s) this is exaggerated at varying levels. But it doesn’t discount the person underneath. You can never say, oh that’s just the (insert label here) or that’s just the booze or drugs. Two different people will have two different experiences within the issues they face.
If the person has been abused, then these memories can top the menu far too easily and their partner has to be aware of that during all encounters. It takes a lot more sensitivity when you engage with survivors. All it takes is one trigger and you can send them into a spiral, whether or not they have PTSD. You could go from gentle, affectionate love making to a screaming, whirling dervish in two seconds and have no idea why. They may not even consciously know.
Fantasies are very personal and often fluctuate, based on mood and energy. But we do have our favourites, whether kink and/or vanilla. They often include aspects of affection/avoidance, pain/pleasure/numbness, restraint/exuberance, pleasing our partner/pleasing ourselves. What you experience is not what anyone else does. Not in the exact same mix anyway. Not the same every day, even inside yourself. And it often gets varied further when you are masturbating or having sex with a partner.
Arousal is all about your body parts and brain getting stimulated. It has next to nothing to do with how much you are enjoying the acts your partner and you are engaging in. It is just the nerve synapses firing. That is truly ALL IT IS!! Whether consensual , molestation or rape. The synapses still fire. This changes over a lifetime too. (Why it takes more to arouse an older person). Your hormonal cycle is very relevant as well. Men and women.
Body Positions This is about your physical issues, how flexible and energetic you are. Some prefer a restive kind of sexuality, the slow motion grooves. Others want something that is full on attack mode, like beasts, like rape. Some people want a mix of both. Some prefer morning sex and some want it before bed time. Circadian rhythms are very real when it comes to sex drive and you can save yourself a lot of grief by finding a partner that matches you.
Expectations Some people are looking for some dream that can’t possibly exist, some want 20 minutes in the closet and you to never say their name again, some people want a fuck buddy and some want long term monogamy. It is what is it. So long as they know themselves and find an equal partner, all is good. This often changes over a person’s lifetime. They may want to experience sex in different ways when they are young, or for a while after a break up. It may get exponentially longer for a period after a bad break up.
Gender Roles Whatever their body bits and bobs tell you they are, this person before you has lived a lifetime being socialized to be the "boy/man" or "girl/woman" they are. And at times that’s more confusing than others, even to them. And sensitivity goes a long way as well as having a good understanding of what you can expect from them in their sexual roles.
Power Play Somewhere in this is a person who is having a moment when they want someone to take over or a person who wants to take over. This can change even in the same sex act, with the same person. And some people stay wanting their same level of power in the dynamic. Great if their partner wants that too. Messy if that has changed since their relationship began or if they suddenly declare that is their need and you don’t like the other role.
Somewhere in there you have to realize just what it means to be denied, to feel unheard by the person who should be the most intimate person in your life if you’re having sex with them. To feel frustrated when your needs are not getting met. Or to realize they actually scare you now. It can become a mixture of love and hate till it burns out and one day you realize you have no feelings at all for them now. How do you rebuild that relationship? Or should you even try?
This is all human nature and in there, you and your partner for a night or for a lifetime find each other in a hot mess and start reading things or talking to people about consent and rights. FYI it’s never that simple. So someone or both of you get all upset and say "I didn’t agree to that" . Maybe or maybe not, but that doesn’t mean they meant to hurt you, or harm you more specifically, and to me that is the more important question in these chats that is often getting ignored sadly. In criminal law it is always about INTENTION after all.
It’s a mature game we play, but sadly I often don’t see mature people playing it. So let’s have THIS discussion from now on.